Unable to Cope

Earlier this week a girl died. She was my age (18) and she never drank or smoke or did drugs. I didn’t particularly like this girl considering I knew her to talk about people behind their backs and she particularly did this to my best friend in the world. The only reason I said anything to her (which had to consist of MAYBE a handful of words) is because she dated my niece and nephew’s dad and she was in their lives. This girl even spent Christmas at my house. But in no way were we ever friends or even something remotely resembling friends. Not that we were enemies either. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t like the girl but I was never mean to her or said mean things about her. We just never went out of our way to become even acquaintances even. We just knew who each other was. But now she’s dead. I’m not happy about it but I’m not particularly sad either. I’m sorry for the family and friends, but it just doesn’t affect me in that way.

Now, to the point of this. Upon her death, I found out that my dearest Boyfriend did indeed know her. He had been her friend. The reason I didn’t know this before? They had fought around the time he met me and he hadn’t spoken to her since. The news of her death weighed heavily on him. It tore him up.

I’m a greatly open person. But I can’t do death. Even when it’s someone close to me, I don’t do so greatly. I find it hard to cry for the dead mainly because death is such an abstract thing to me. It’s almost not real. So you can imagine what it’s like to try to comfort my boyfriend who is deeply hurt. All I could do was just be there. I attended the wake with him, I just followed him around and watched as he and fellow friends hugged and cried over their loss. Every now and again he’d hold me close, but that was the extent of it. The whole occasion was awkward for me. I had known the girl in the tiniest way possible and here I was at her wake. I love my boyfriend but I can only do so much. I refused to see the body or even accompany him to it. It wasn’t my dead to view and say goodbye to. I stood a reasonable distance away and sent him all the love and support I could but I could not go see her. At one point they showed a slideshow of her life. It was deeply saddening for her friends and family and also my boyfriend. I tried to hold him close and comfort him as he also held onto his friend who was falling apart, but it was too much. There was too much sadness that I couldn’t feel myself. I felt guilty for being there. I felt like I was intruding on their grieving. I had to walk outside for a moment without the sadness hanging in the air.

I feel like I should be able to help comfort my boyfriend more, but I can’t. I can’t even act like I’m sad. I feel like a horrible girl. Girls run on emotions and I can’t even relate to the feeling my boyfriend has. This is just hard to deal with.
#death #boyfriend #emotion #difficulty