It's My Birthday and....

So today I have been thinking a lot about my ex.

And it's not that I miss him, because he was just an asshole, what I miss is what he made me feel. That feeling, like I could be happy for awhile. He used to make me laugh all the time, no matter how upset I was. He made me feel like I didn't have to be mad all the time, or stress about everything.

Then he told me some stuff that just made me so upset, and I realized what an ass he really was. But today I caught myself saying I miss him, and then I said no I don't miss him, I miss the way he made me feel. I want that feeling back so bad, to just feel like I matter for two seconds.

So today is my birthday and like every other year I am disappointed, I never get what I really want, and I never get to do what I really want to do. Just another eventful birthday that I can do nothing about. I will probably spend the rest of the night in my room being on here and listening to music, pretending like I am carefree and that I'm as happy as can be.

And lately it's times like these that I remind myself that this is all just something I have to go through that God is just putting me through something and that I have to get through it. Lately whenever I feel down I just repeat this scripture I know:

' "For I know the plans I have for you, " says the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope" '
-Jeremiah 29:11

This makes me feel like even if I don't know what I'm doing at least someone does.

So yeah today is my birthday, and I'm going to spend it partying with myself, and yeah I miss the small happiness I had briefly in May, and I have no idea where I am going or which direction I'm heading in. But it brings me comfort knowing that someone knows everything, someone knows that I will get through what I have to get through and come out at the other end a happy person. For a life full of hope, is a life worth living.

This journal is very bipolar and I'm sorry to the whole 2 people that will read all of my bullshit, but I needed to get this out, I've been holding it all day. Have a nice day :)