Clueless

Dear Journal,
I just wish I knew why horrible heartbreaking things happen 'cause then maybe they'd be easier to deal with...
I've never understood anything about life really but it never bothered me until 3 months ago.
I'm so confused I don't know what to do. People say things and they ask questions about him but I can't bring myself to answer. What am I supposed to say exactly? That it's okay? .. It's really not okay. Am I supposed to lie and tell them that I wasn't close to him at all? It's be easier to say that I think. It'd be easier to pretend that it doesn't matter because then they won't ask me why I'm upset. I don't know how or who to be. I'm lost. I feel empty. I'm scared too that I will forget him and what I loved about him. I'm scared he'll just vanish from my thoughts one day.
It's hard to be me without him.
How am I supposed to keep living if the only thing worth living for is dead?
-Nicole.