Distraction

Things have only gotten worse. Everything here reminds me of Antonio, and it doesn't help that the entrance to my apartment is right next to the bench where he first gazed into my eyes in the middle of the night and told me that he loved me.

Shortly after arriving here, I see that Antonio has changed his profile picture. Although we're no longer FB friends, I can still see that sort of thing. The comment he added below had three letters and a smiley face. The three letters are the initials of his ex, Ann. The one he never got over. The one who kept contacting him again and again during our relationship. The one he was always crying on my shoulder about because he loved her so much.

(Here's an excerpt from a journal posted July 13, 2010:

Ann didn't contact him at all for months and months. Then, the day after Antonio and I made our relationship FBO, she sent him an email and said she'd be back in December to visit. A week later, she texted him. Now she just happens to add him on Skype?

A year ago when they were dating, Antonio asked Ann to get Skype because she was in the US while he was in Peru for the summer. She refused, but now she has one and has added him.)

Then at church on Sunday, he doesn't ignore me. He does pretty much the opposite. He tries really, really hard to get my attention before rehearsal, and then afterwards, he literally follows me around talking. It was just normal stuff about his life (plus one spiritual epiphany), but it all hurt too much. The last time I saw him, he was hugging me and kissing me and telling me how much he would miss me. Now it's clear he has no feelings for me at all. He acts like we've never been anything but friends.

So the next day I send him an email asking him to just leave me alone forever.

I've pretty much lost it. The only way I can possibly be happy is if I manage to distract myself and forget about him, if only for a few minutes. And there are a lot of times when I'm genuinely happy. Still, it's like this dark cloud is hovering over everything. I would give an arm and a leg to get him back, but I know he's either back with his ex or will be soon, and I know he has zero feelings for me.

It makes me feel physically ill. She treated him like crap. She didn't want him until I had him. My therapist suspects she may be the reason he broke up with me. (Yes, I have a therapist now. I'm in therapy because I'm tired of having all these emotional breakdowns where I am just overwhelmed by how much I miss him.)

In other news, I'm working on studying in Japan next semester. I have about a million forms and applications to fill out. I'm also on Pottermore (Ravenclaw ftw!), and I hope I'll get new chapters of Asfwert updated soon. My internet rarely works.