Writing Exercise

Ack! This is the third time I've tried writing this gods (yes, plural) entry and thus far it's been better in some places and worse in others each time it's rewritten.

Anyways, I'm sure that none of you know that I gave up on my physical exercise regimen and gained a pound or two since my last entry. Whoops, too bad.

I enjoy well written fanfiction (none of the FF on here interests me) and I've read most of the suitable KakaSaku, KakuSaku, DeiSaku, GenSaku, AkaSaku, HidaSaku, etc. (Sakura is such a virtual whore) fanfiction on FF.com. I naturally rewrite poorly written works, mentally, as I read it. So I'm going to start meandering through some of the stagnant 'goo' in search of something that, if properly built, I would fancy.

Goo: Poorly written works with no foundation, and often times no structure, that have fallen apart and turned into an unrecognizable goo.

At first I'll start off by minorly altering one-shots, then two-shots, then trilogies, etc.

Example: "He ranned and then he couldn't breathe, and then he has to take a break."
Yeah, that exists for some unknown reason.
Altered: "His lungs constricted refusing to fill, the dry heat burned his airways offering sparse relief. His legs ached, begging for rest that seemed unreachable. Nausea began to take over his senses, the overwhelming dizziness forcing him to make haste to the visible shade of a stoic tree. He collapsed willingly into the welcoming darkness, each muscle relaxing as he sighed contentedly to the thick bark of the the roots." A small piece that has now been rewritten three times, granted it is a bit ramble-y, I can do better and I plan to.

Note: Most of what I rewrite will probably be lemons. Don't like, don't read.

Tell me what you think in the comments below or on my profile page, I'll start this weekend. I'll try to make a decision as to what I'll be altering by Saturday night. Appropriate credit will be given to the original authors and I wont work with anything newer than '10.