Even if you mind

I'm gonna cry for a while. Luckily for me you cant give an exact amount of time for such a thing. Pained by loneliness a lot. I want to speak but I also want to be heard. I don't believe I have that gift.. It must be my defect because not many hear me and those who catch my voice ignore it or are bored by it. I look sad. People tell me that all, the time and no matter how close to tears I am if I can lie and say a lie that convinces them that they shouldnt be concerned they will walk away no matter how loud my sobs become. I can be walking around bruised and beaten and tired beyond my strongest will and I will be overlooked. But God forbid that someone louder than me speaks on my behalf. Let them say they are tired. Let them take the stage and open and close the curtains n their own demand.... They get what they want... And I get another reason why I struggle. I reLly do not believe in depression.. In my soul I call it a weakened state of living.. Not repaired yet. When it is broken you fix it it. When you can be fixed correctly you go.. Death is not the answer. It is just a side effect of living.. I don't know.. Hard to write and think through the tears. I feel hurt and damaged and wish I had more than one person near and far that I can slays depend on. I want a whole bunch of me but each one needs to be unique and take care of me. The definition I am going for is true friends. Not empty convenient spaces. Like when you are trying to get to the supermarke and see a gas station on the corner and since you can't get to the supermarketnyou settle for the brands in the gas staioned no matter how close to an expiration date the item is. Still crying... But now I'm at a whimper and I am don't ranting so even if you don't mind I am gonna go be strong with a weakened life force. Watch my soul shatter from the effort.