Day Six: This shit has been on my chest so long

First i just want to say sorry for not posting in like forever and in the next few paragraphs or however long this takes you will hopefully understand. So ive come to the conclusion that i can feel if me and my boyfriend are going to break up a week in advance, i get insane almost. im driven crazy and unable to sleep at night and crying and having random panic attacks. well thats what happened, when he broke up with me he told me it was because he was moving and he was going to be very busy moving, but the story didnt make sense because he was moving to a town 15 minutes from mine, in his old house he was already 10 minutes away from my house so the only thing added was another 5 minutes, but he said that he would be busy moving and he didnt want me to just be sitting at home waiting for him. after much crying and i do mean very much crying, screaming, many panic attacks and doing things and blocking out everything and everyone, i basically became a hollow shell, i was too hollow to even be afraid of what was becoming of me. I did a lot of things im not proud of to self medicate myself. Later i found out it wasn't the break up mainly that made me insane it was the fact that the story didnt piece together right. something so crucial was missing. After maybe a few days i seen that he got back with his ex girlfriend (we'll call her RB, for short.) Also after a few days he said that he was truly sorry and that getting back together with RB just happened, I was to hollow to even care, he sent me many text messages asking if I was okay, i always told him yes and not to worry about me and i honestly didnt want him to. I have to keep wiping my tears as i type this because lately it feels like im just going down the same hole. recently school started and my friend SB told me what really happened, he dumped me for my other friend KM, even though she said it wasnt like that at all, at the time it didnt sink in but now as im trying to get this off my chest its slamming me harder than ever and the thing was, him and KM went out for two hours, yeah. and then my other friend BR told me that he asked her out but she said hell no and then RB was a third choice. on top of all that i feel like he was just lying to me the whole time about everything. everything he has ever said to me i think has been a lie. him and his best friend BM still talks about me, says SB and BM and how he still loves me but every lie...i cant even put what im feeling and everything whirring around in my head to words...i need to stop writing, im crying way too much.. okay im back um oh so BM and my ex (we'll call him ZM) are best best best friends and BM has been trying to get us back together but his plan was so fucked up, he wants ZM to cheat on RB with his other ex TL and then let RB find out about it so that they would break up and then ZM could be with me. 1. the plan is just...horrible all of the dirty little secrets make me really sick and plus, would i even want him after all that? and 2. if we did go back out ever, it would never be the same because all the I love yous and all the other sappy stuff would just be lies in my head instead of making me smile like they used to.. And everything i tried using to get and stay away from the situation just made things worse because one some were dangerous but i was so hollow i didnt give a shit and now that i have to oppertunity to do them again, i dont even want to because it just feels like throwing a dime into a black hole because doing them only takes you away for a couple of hours and then when its over you are slammed right back into the same shit you were in so now it just seems stupid. maybe im just bad at breakups or maybe my break up was really fucked up but the really fucked up thing? i miss him more than anything but the thing is i cant get over whats more miserable for me, this missing him or if we did get back together, not trusting and not having a competly normal relationship. either way.... wait...either way right? right? so what do i have to loose? i already lost myself.