I had an abortion yesterday morning. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. It hurt.
The doctors had me waiting in the room for a long time, which gave me time to think. I was tired, due to the fact that I had been there since seven in the morning and because of the pain medicine the nurse's had given me. One song kept playing in my head; "Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel like you're less than, less than perfect to me."
He was perfect. He or she, that is. For a moment in time, I was a mother, even if it was only for a few months. He was mine. And even as I was laying in the room, half naked, I wanted him to feel that this wasn't what I wanted. There was nothing wrong with him. He was perfect. It wasn't his fault, it was mine. But I wasn't meant to be his mom yet. And maybe one day, he can come back when I'm ready. When we're ready. When my boyfriend and I are ready to be his parents. When we can give him anything and everything he needs.
This was my mistake, not his. And I know I'm probably going to get a lot of negative feedback or none at all, simply for the fact that I got an abortion and I'm sure I won't get any recognition for the fact that I'm admitting what I did was wrong. Having unprotected sex, that is. But I'd like to point out one thing; I don't regret being pregnant. It opened my mind to new things. It made me imagine myself as a mother, which is something I cannot handle right now. My emotions are flipping back and forth between feeling relieved and guilty.
He was perfect to me. He did nothing wrong. And as I said, I hope he can come back at another point in time and let me be the mother he deserves.
Follow-up to "I am pregnant." Now titled, "I WAS Pregnant."
September 10th, 2011 at 10:58pm