I hate to admit this to anyone, even myself.

I'm very uncomfortable with my body, I may say I think I'm 'chubby' but I think I'm fat... I think I look gross in everything I wear and to make matters worse every dress that fit me last school year makes me look like I am about four months pregnant, I jiggle a lot, and I hate it and I really don't know what to do with myself anymore but tonight, right now actually I'm wearing my prom dress from senior prom 2011, only four months ago. I'm too big for it now. I can’t zip it up all the way and the corset pieces hurt because they dig into my fat...

I'm going to start dieting and exercising and thank God that I caught it now, because I could one of those people that is so big they don’t even see a way out anymore, and I know a lot of people would probably give up everything to weigh my 148 pounds. Don't get me wrong I know it could be worse. The part that gets me the most is that freshman year I was a size 3... Now I wear a size 13, I don't ever want to be a size 3 again because my bones have grown and with my bone structure and body shape it just wouldn't look right but I'm going to fight until I can wear a size 9 again, maybe a size 9 that's a little too big on me.

I am going to lose 20 pounds before November 1st, 2011. I feel ugly, and I can't talk to boys without sucking in until I can hardly breathe. I'm going on my first cruise with a body that I hate, but I'm still going to have fun no matter what. This Monday I'm done. Working out and eating right is the only thing in mind, and next week while I'm on my cruise the only things in mind will be family, fun, working out, and eating healthy.

I want to feel attractive. I've just now realized that I am a pretty girl, but my body takes away from it and makes me feel nasty... I want to be a pretty girl that can swim in a bikini, not shorts and a t-shirt.

Really I just want to be happy. When I get home from my cruise, I'm going to find a job. A good job, Then I'm going to start saving up for a car while I get my license. I would like to be moved out by this time next year, hopefully with friends but first, me. My health and what I want to look like.

120 pounds size 9 jeans and happy.