What I'd Do to Have You Here.

Dear Journal,
I hate this. I just want the pain to go away. I would do almost anything to make it go away. I break down randomly and the pain in my heart is worsining. I feel sick. I'm dying inside and all I want is for God to take me home. I mean really life is just a game. You live to make a descision on what you believe, that and reproduce. Once you've made your descsion you have to sit around, wait, and go through the motions until you die in which case everyone is afraid of. Why do I have to play this game? Why do I have to do this. I don't want to. I feel like there is nothing keeping me hear on Earth, in this life. Can't I just go home, where I belong now?
I miss him. The one thing that made life worth while is now gone. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I am reading this world all wrong. I just don't understand. Maybe if I understood it might be easier to get through it. If I knew why he had to die I would be able to cope a bit easier. I want everything just to go away, to disappear. I want everyone just to leave me alone. At the same time though, I just want someone to listen. I don't know anymore. I'm just lost and confused and scared. I don't know what to say anymore.

-Nicole