Dear Boy,
I love you.
For the past two years I wanted nothing more than to be more than your "Friend With Benefits". I wanted more than to be your "Girl On The Side". Hell, even more than just your "Girlfriend". I wanted more than the casual, uncommunicative relationship in which we had. I wanted more than that and for two years I did everything I could to show you that.
I gave up everything for you. My friends. My family. My entire being. I gave you my time. My effort. I gave you my heart. I gave you my body. I gave you my trust. I gave you everything I possibly could. Everything that I could. I can't stand what's become of the struggling duo we once were. I can't stand the whole concept of why you chose today to tell me that you loved me. That today you were planning on asking me to be yours. That today you were asking why I needed to separate myself. Why is it that today you tell me all of this? Why?
Why couldn't you have told me this months to years ago? Why couldn't you have told me that you had loved me when I was still madly in love with you? Why couldn't you tell me that I was your "everything" and your "Love" when it still mattered to me? Why is it that every time you start to stop caring the other person decides it's time to start caring? Why is it that I find myself crying repeatedly over you and needing him to calm me down and remind me that I'm not as worthless and heartless as you lead me to believe?
I love you.
I don't know how else to say this. I could tell you in four different languages. I love you. Te amo. J'aime. Aishiteru. For the past two years I have loved you and did everything I could to show you it and came up with nothing more than the emotional abuse that I have suffered all this time. On top of all the other abuse I have taken in my life, your emotional abuse and mental corrupting screwed me up the most.
But today you come at me claiming I cheated on you when I didn't even know we were in a relationship anymore. What relationship revolves around pure sexual attraction? What relationship revolves around pure heartache and mind games? What relationship makes someone feel like a worthless piece of trash? What fucking relationship makes someone want to put a gun to their head and kill themselves because they isolated themselves from everything just to gain your approval?
I did everything. I gave up everything. I isolated myself from everything and everyone just to make sure that I could give you all of my attention. It took me a long while and it was hard to do but I did it. No one knew what happened with me anymore. My own family questioned me no further after I told them that they weren't needed so long as I had the drive to keep you happy. But now? Now I don't even know what to do or think or say. I don't know if I should even think right now because this emotion is raw and scary.
I love you.
I use to be in love with you but now? I just love you. I love you because of everything that we went through. I love you because you were sweet, kind and the perfectionist that I thought was cute. I love you because you told me things that were real and didn't baby me when it came to the serious stuff. I loved you for every flaw and mistake you made because I knew that's how we, as humans, grow. I loved you for every bit of you there was both good and bad but I can't keep convincing myself that someday you'd love me in return at the same intensity that I once loved you at. I just can't.
So, I went and decided to break away. I decided I needed to finally do what was best for me, not you. I need to do right by me, not you. I need to not be your imperfect, flaw-ful mind and sex slave. I found someone who has shown me just what it takes for me to be able to feel again. Someone who has shown me what it takes to smile again. Someone who has shown me what it takes to be a better me. Someone who has shown me that being who I really am isn't a crime and that it's the only true way to live.
You say I'm a liar. You say I'm a cheater. You say all these mean things and expect me to crawl to your feet, whining and begging like a little lost dog. I'm tired of being lost. I really am. And for once in the longest time, I feel like I know just where I am. I'm not sure yet but I know that I am starting to feel the ground beneath my feet. I know that I am just starting to regain the strength to hold my head up instead of constantly bowing to you. I am starting to realize that I have some sort of value.
I love you
Now? As a friend. As a buddy. As a pal. And that's how it has to stay if I'm ever going to fix myself. He's here. He's helping me. He holds my hand. He gives me hugs. He tells me how he really feels. He doesn't make me doubt myself. He doesn't force anything upon me. He gives me a choice and only advises. He doesn't demand of things that are irrational. He worries about my safety. He worries about my health. He makes it so that I can be true to myself. That I can be happy.
He's sweet. And kind. And Gentlemanly. And adorable. And cute. And handsome and sexy. He gives me his attention and shares his knowledge with me. He doesn't just want to throw me on the bed and fuck like rabbits to fulfill his desire and then kick me out once he's used me. He doesn't want me to be miserable. He wants me to be strong and independent. He wants me to be with him for the long haul in more positive ways than you ever made it feel.
So why do I still cry over you? It's because I still hold you close to my heart. Because I know that if I didn't I would become the emotional crying mess I have slowly deteriorated into once more. But this time I know there's someone here to make sure I pick up every single piece of me before I decide to walk away.
I love him.
I really do.
And this is just a note to let you know that I will never forget everything you taught me. This is just a message to let you know that I will forever remind myself of where I came from. This is a letter to you to wish you the best in your future as you have made it clear that you don't want to be "Just Friends". This is me wishing you everything good in life. Why?
Because I love you.
And I always will.
But it's time to let you go.
So, this is me closing the chapter on another sad story. This is me writing out everything I can because I know that if I don't I'm going to cry again. This is me accepting that for once, I need to let it go but never forget. This is my letter to you.
Oh Boy..
I wish you the greatest success in every thing you aspire to achieve. I know and fully believe that you will be successful. I know that you will find someone who will be able to make you happy. I know that you will do everything in your power to assure that you're number one and I know that you have it in you to be one of the greatest people of this Earth, well-known or not. I believe that you will make it to the top. Don't let anybody stop you from making it there. Not even me.
Dear Boy..
If you ever change your mind, my arms are always open to you. I will forever be here for you. I will never let you fall. If you ever need me I am just a phone call away.
Dear Boy..
I love you.
Dear Boy,
Goodbye.
I'm going to try letting you go now.
Because he's here for me now.
And I love him.
Goodbye.
Forever With Love,
Briana -Lexi- -----
P.s- Okay. So maybe I'm not ready to let you go yet. But, hell, a girl's got to try.
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