Even though writing this probably won't help, I'm desperate to find a way to get my feelings out, so here goes nothing.
Thursday night (September 15) was one of the hardest nights of my life. My dog Tinkerbell was hit by a car, and by the time my brother found her, she was already gone. My mom and I were just about to walk into a store when she got the call from my dad, saying Tink was dead. At first she just yelled, sobbed, and broke down, not even able to tell me what was wrong. I thought maybe my brother had done something stupid, until she started crying. She basically ran back to the car, me following behind, before she was able to tell me through her sobs that our baby was gone.
My heart just stopped for a second, I couldn't believe that our little baby, the same one we'd had since she was 5 weeks old and could fit in the palm of my hand, was just .. Gone. It took me a while to even be able to cry, I was in too much shock to process how I was feeling, let alone cry. Meanwhile my mother was begging my father to take Tink's body to the vet, still clinging to hope that maybe she was still alive, even though it had been at least a half hour since her heart stopped beating forever.
When we made it to the vet, having met them their, I could barely hold myself together, and seeing her lifeless body made me want to die myself. They asked if we wanted them to check for a pulse and try cpr, my brother refused, not wanting to get his hopes up that his baby girl would come back. My mother on the other hand couldn't let go of the dim hope that maybe she could be saved.
She couldn't be. Eventually they brought her body in for us to say goodbye. My mother just held her and told her lifeless body again and again that she loved her, desperately trying to comfort her, as if she could be comforted. I sat in there for at least 10 minutes before I looked into Tinkerbell's eyes for the last time, pet her goodbye, and left. I couldn't stand to be in there any longer. I hate long goodbyes. I'd rather pretend it's not the end, pretend it doesn't hurt, that it's not even real. I still can't believe it wasn't a dream. Seeing my family break like that, it was too much to take. I wanted to selfishly get away from them, knowing that I couldn't comfort them if I tried. I wanted to run away. I didn't want to have to go back home without her and have to look my other dogs in the eyes and know that they'd never have their sister back.
Fast forward two days and my mom still breaks down crying every time she thinks about our life without Tink. I've barely seen my brother, who must be suffering more than any of us, since she was his dog, his baby, his only comfort in the world. I can't stand to think about how he must be feeling, especially since I know there's nothing I can do, and that he wouldn't want me to bug him anyway. He's handling it better than any of us thought he would, but I'm still scared for him, I know he feels alone. I wish I could just take his pain away, I hate seeing him like this, it breaks my heart.
I know it will get better, I know I have so many friends and family member's who would do anything to take MY pain away, but for the time being, it's not enough. She was that one family member I never thought would leave. I never thought I'd have to imagine a life without her. She was supposed to always be here, always be that spoiled little brat that I loved so much. I'm so thankful that I got to spend the last two days of her life getting closer to her, almost as if I knew subconsciously that she wouldn't be here much longer. I'm thankful for that, but I still want more time with her, and I know I'll never get it.
As mean as this may sound, I don't want comforting comments, I don't want people to tell me "it'll be okay", "it'll get better". I KNOW these things, and they don't help, as I'm sure any one who has lost someone important to them knows. I wrote this because I had to get it out, I had to share it.
I don't want comforting words, instead, I want to give other people a chance to talk about THEIR lost loved ones, human or not. I know how hard it is to bury it deep inside, and I also know it's not easy to get through it alone. You don't have to share your story, but I want EVERYONE to know that they CAN share it. I will always listen, and I know there are plenty of other people who will too. Whether we know each other or not, if you need or just want to talk about anyone you've lost, I'll be here. No matter what. And I encourage everyone to do the same for others. If we want people to be there for us, we have to be there for them as well.
If you want to talk to me about anything you're going through, I'm here. I will always be here, for anyone who needs someone. I know that at times I need others, and I hope that when I do, some of you will be there for me. So if you have a story of loss you'd like to share, please do. Letting it out helps, trust me. :)
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