Learning to Breathe

Dear Journal,
I've come to realize that he's gone... forever. I know it sounds stupid that I just understood that now but I mean he's never coming back so I can't just sit still in life until I die too now can I? No, not really. This doesn't mean I'm going to move on and date some other kid or that I won't miss him anymore. This doesn't mean it won't kill me inside. It just means that I am allowed happiness. It's becoming easier to let go of him. I don't want to really. I'm kind of scared that I'll forget him but I can't stop the world from spinning round just because he's dead. I don't know if I'll see him again when I die. I don't know if I'll ever fully get over him. I don't know if it will still hurt ten years from now as much as it does at the moment. I don't know if I'll ever meet someone else that I can love. I just don't know what's going to happed. I'm trying so hard to put my faith in God and let things happen the way he wishes but it's hard. I know I still have choices I have to make and I have to be strong even when my heart is at its weakest but I don't want to do it alone anymore. When he was still here he was the one I went to, to talk about life and problems and God and Heaven. He was my "go to guy". I thought I needed him and I relied on him for a lot of my problems. Now I realize that God is the only thing in life that will ALWAYS stays consistant. My house could burn down, my family could die, I could loose everything and yet God would still be there. I need to believe in him because without him I have nothing. So day by day I'm learning to let go. I can't just forget or even smile and pretend it never happened because it DID happen but I can take one itty bitty step at a time until I'm back where I started. It reminds me of that song, "Crawl Back to Love" by Chris Brown.. only different. I just gotta start slow and get back to a better version of who I once was. I'm just learning to breathe and let it go even when I can hardly imagine what the next few years will hold when I don't have him anymore.

-Nicole.