How things could have been.

What an impact on my life...well, what impact?
Take one moment, be it high or the lowest of lows, and just let it permeate your thoughts.
The possibilities that stemmed from it, the choices leading up to it.
The consequences.
Now, apply the butterfly effect. In an instant- it never happened.
It's mind boggling...how the smallest moment, that one decision that led to another decision that led to a series of actions, can affect everything in a future life.

I don't ever plan on using a time machine, or basing my life around the premise of how great things could be "if only this or if only that"...but I can't help but examine and dwell upon how much one night may have damaged me, irreparably.
It doesn't affect the things I do on a conscious level, or I'd just resolve to change my course of actions; it's deeper than that. It's the reason I don't understand why I do the things I do sometimes. It's the devil on my shoulder, that whispers so faintly I confuse it for my thoughts. Or, perhaps it's just an excuse for my recklessness.
But I'll never know.

It kills me, that I'll never know who I could have been if it weren't for you.
Could I say, "no" with more conviction, tell creepy people they actually creep me out?
Could I give someone a chance, a real chance?
Could I joke about spiking drinks and not have a lump in my throat?
This journal's gotten more personal with every letter typed, as I run through thoughts in my head that I wish I never had to think, but here I am- after 3 in the morning- trying to choke back the reality of what you did to me.
Rather, the opportunity I gave you...
but what can I do now? I'll never forget, and I'm no good with coping. Avoidance technique it is-again, until I'm up all night, of course.