I need help

Okay, so I have a problem, not a normal problem either. Because I feel like this problem is going to be the reason that my boyfriend and I break up.

I have a cutting problem. I've had this problem since I was in7Th grade, so I guess I was 12 or 13, I'm now 18. I go through patches where it's pretty bad, where it's all I want to do. When my ex broke up with me in February, I think that was my worst time. I cut every single day. It was to the point where I had over 200 cuts on my body, but I would still cut more. I stopped in May, because I had prom coming up. That was the longest time that I had cut. I was so destructive to myself. I would drink, smoke, and cut. I didn't care what I was doing or who I would hurt. In the end the person I hurt most was myself. It's taken me this long to realize that. I probably some where along the lines hurt my parent's, coming home drunk some nights. Not caring what they would say, I'd go out. But now, now I have something.

I know that I need to stop. Not just for myself, but for my boyfriend too. Were getting ready to live together and I know that this kills him whenever I do it. We've been dating for almost 5 months now, and I've cut 3 times. Once was really bad, I will admit it. But this most recent...last night. This time..this hurt him so bad.

Before when I was dating my ex, I knew it hurt her...but it was different because she could never see me..see where I would cut or how bad they would be. He sees me everyday, he knows when something is out of place. I can't hide this from him. I know that cutting hurts people in your lives, but I've never believed it fully until last night. I know I messed up really bad, and i'm scared that this is what's going to make him and I break up. But I don't want that, because I'm so happy with him, he just knows how to make my rainy day so full of sun. He might not believe me, or he might not think he does that much for me.

It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't cut why you do it. Why you put yourself through that kind of pain? Why would you scar yourself like that? There's no real answer for any of those questions. I can't explain why I do it. I just feel so much more relaxed when I do. I feel like nothing can touch me when I drag that blade across my skin. I know that's not the case, I know that I'm going to feel regret, I'm going to be so upset, disgusted with myself that I did it. Yet, I do it anyway. Time after time, I hurt the people that matter most to me.

I know you can't stop cutting unless you really want too, before I never had a reason too. Last night it hit me that I do. And if I don't stop I may loose that person that is my world. I know that this is a problem. A normal person doesn't think about cutting a lot of the time. A normal person feels pain when they have a sharp object drug across their skin, they freak out when they see blood running down their skin. Me? What do I do? I enjoy it, I don't feel pain anymore when I cut, I don't freak out when I see the blood. I get a rush, my heart starts pounding faster my fingers shake with excitement. That's not right.

I love my boyfriend with everything I am, and i'm scared that if I don't stop that I'm going to loose him. That he will get so tired of me doing this that he'll give up on me and not want to be with me anymore. I know that I need to stop, and I'm going to give it my all to stop, because I want to save this relationship that I'm in, because I haven't been this happy in such a long time. I don't want to ruin the thing that's been so good for me, that has made everything for me better. He says he want's to be my knight in Shinning armor, what he doesn't realize he honestly has been. He's been the best thing for me. I'm going to try to stop for us. Because I don't know where I'd be without him, and I personally don't want to find out.

So here's the first step:

Admitting you have a problem.

I think I've done that here. So that's a check.

Here's the second step:

Doing something about it.

I'm going to try my hardest to do everything I can about this problem.