I'm scared

I've realized something, I'm scared. I'm scared of staying with Chris because I know he wants to be with me forever! I'm not ready for that I'm only 15 I wish I could tell him this but I just think he'd take it as an excuse for breaking up with him. I seem to be becoming more and more scared every day. I know this because I usually replace my fear or uncertainty with anger. When I get angry I do the worst things. There are stills scars on my arm from that night after the Big-E it's almost been two weeks since then. I don't want any one I know to know about them. Except at the same time I want every one to know every thing. I'm tired of being alone, fending for myself in the depths of a dark cave that has no safe escape. Water to one side and fire to the other, do I drown in the water or burn in the fire. I'm trapped beneath the weight of my secrets. No one to tell because I don't want them to worry and the strangers I don't know don't wish to listen ti me whining about how horrible my life is. But they don't know half of it. No body out side my family and a select friend know what happened to me when I was seven. It's becoming easier to talk about but I don't think I am quiet ready to tell some one of what happened myself. I'm too scared to, I'm scared they will judge me even say I deserve it. I half believe I deserved what happened to me and the other side believes none of what occurred is any of my fault. I can not blame any one for what has happened in my life. I'm not a hateful person. So why right now am I so angry with my boyfriend and even myself. My boyfriend for trying to not dye my hair probably. And for myself that answer is obvious. For telling strangers online how I feel before telling my boyfriend who really deserves to know the truth about my abrupt silence to him and the way I've been leaning away from him for the past few weeks. he deserves to know, I guess I'm just not ready to tell him. I'm to weak to let him go, instead I can him begging for a bone when he could have the amazing girlfriend he deserves. He says he's a loser and deserves the worst but what he doesn't know of how bad I am in reality. I cheated on him again I know it's horrible I couldn't resist. I knew he would never find out but for some reason I hope he does now. So he'll break up with me like he should've done the first time I cheated on him instead of him attempting suicide right before my very eyes. I know it would hurt me for him to break up with me but I deserve it... I deserve to feel the pain he felt when I cheated on him but there is only two things that will cause the same pain I caused him, but they would never happen... him cheating on me and the worst out come I have been having nightmares about for the past few days, him dieing. It's a horrible thing to think of but I'"m a pessimistic that's how my mind works. I'm very unstable right now as it is, I think I'm depressed and with all the stress with school work and drama two weeks ago I could break at any time. I kind of did two weeks ago, While cutting that day after the Big-E I was wishing for death to come and wrap its arms around me and make me sink slowly into the dark place where people go while they wait to be selected into either heaven or hell. I would probably be made to stay on earth for a while because of my sins then let up to heaven after I've felt a reasonable amount of pain. Yes I've put a lot thought into death and the after life I even wrote a note that night because I was doubting that I would wake up and was actually utterly disappointed when I did wake up. It's horrible I know I should probably be in a syc-ward or have a therapist but I can't without mass health. So good night and sleep well I probably won't.