Awkward~

So my mom's boyfriend...OH WAIT. I'm not allowed to talk about it.
I get molly today, and I'm smoking again (: I don't smoke NEARLY enough. I need speed. Everytime I think about it, my body starts to shake and I sweat and I just wanna kill everyone so I can search them for it. It's not addiction so much as it is I miss it.
One time, I found my mom's old bipolar meds, and I took like, 26. (Yes, I did count.) I was tweaked for a couiple days, so happy.
I started messing around with this dude too, and I don't know what's going on. My paranoia says, 'You're being used you gullible little slut' then another part of me says, 'There's still hope.' Wow. But I just don't know, I'm just so confused.
I'm not me anymore, my thoughts are everywhere at once, I have to break everything down and yet no one understands still.
This school is killing me. I mean, it's sucking the life out of me- it's making me so much more awkward. It's taking the things that I do like about me and poisoning them. I hate it- I get so much shit and I just hate this place. All the looks, all the annoying ass bitches. I know- this is life. But I should be able to enjoy SOMETHING, right?
Yeah, I know I'm far fetched.
I've just got to breathe, I'm drowning. I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside- like something with claws is trying to push out and I'm trying to make it not. But it's killing me. I want to fuck someone I don't know or like up. I can't take this. I have no hold on my emotions and these things won't leave me the fuck alone. Every second, every minute, every hour, every day...it never quits, nothing slows down or quits being so goddamn loud.
Shut up. They never just shut up. They put these things inside of me that, just, it's all just weird.
Nothing's okay, I can't tell.