So, I'm 16 and have always had my life planned out to the last detail, I would go to college then off to Edinburgh University to study forensic science. I would rock out to loads of concerts, meet My Chemical Romance and god knows who else at many festivals traveling the world. I would become a Forensic Scientist with the police and find a guy who would love me despite my size, some one I could trust and most importantly give amazing hugs ^_^ We would by a 3 bedroom tudor style house or cottage and get married around 25. I had my wedding planned, we would live together for two years saving and I would fall pregnant at 27 with our first of three children. I had always wanted two boys and a girl, Joshua Alexander -dads surname-, Faith Lauren -dads surname-, and Dads choice, we would live as a family till the kids moved on and had families of their own. When they have our grandchildren they visit us at least twice a month and I would spoil and advise them. I'd grow old gracefully still listening to Bullet For My Valentine and 30 Seconds To Mars at the grand old age of 80. I would die in my sleep happy having seen the world and fulfilled my lifetime wish of my family, being proud of every single one of them.
Sounds perfect doesn't it?
But it's all just a dream now. I have been told that I have an 80% chance of developing Breast cancer, If not then some other form will get me. I have missed 7 periods and went to the doctors with my best friend Jack. they told me that my ovaries are too big and aren't maturing eggs so I am unable to have kids of my own. Bless him Jack has been here for me through everything, I rant at him and he takes it, I take the piss and he takes it and I can be a bitch but he's always there for me to turn to and I love him so much for it. But being told something like that, It ruined me, made me feel as if life is pointless and yes I know I am just feeling sorry for myself and have the option of Adoption, IVF or surrogacy but it's not the same, the babies were going to be a part of me. It seems as though my purpose had been taken away and although I say things in a joking manner such as 'At least I won't have to worry about one night stands', I'm hurting so much. I don't have a boyfriend to talk to, to hug me and kiss me and tell me everything is going to be alright and I guess now no boy will want a girl like me, thats if I still qualify as a girl.
My friends are brilliant, I told them and most have been supportive but things slip out, they are so used to saying things like 'Laz you're going to be a great mum' and when they trip I smile at them but the can see it in my eyes, the hurt so evident etched into my face. I re-phrase it now to 'Im going to be an amazing Aunt to all your kids, they will be like "can we go se Auntie Laz" cause I will spoil them as if they are my own' and my friends give me sympathetic smiles. I'm just trying to but a brave face on it as I have known for less than an week and I still cry myself to sleep, grieving for the babies I will never carry, nine months of pain, swelling, cravings and hormones, the night feeds, the first tooth, the first word, see them going to school and coming back home with 6 new best friends and a boyfriend/ girlfriend :'( I will even miss the teenage tantrums and rebellion cause I know what I'm like.
Many times in this past week I have thought about giving up on life, love and school but what kind of Aunt would I be if I did, eh? Writing it down here for others to see is an easier way of coping than crying but it won't stop tonight's tears, I mean I'm crying writing this.
Im 16. Just. Too young to be face this. That's what everyone says but it's happening. My world has crumbled around me, I'm faced with reality, losing my friends to college and uni, making new friends and having to explain this all again, losing them to work colleagues and watching them growing, glowing and waddling before going on maternity leave or paternity leave. If I find a guy then I will always have that nagging voice telling me Im not good enough and I can't give him what most guys want, A family. My dad used to tell me of how happy he was when me, my brother and sister where born, the tears of happiness. I used to think of me giving my husband that miracle that would make him cry :/
I have to tell my school what is happening to, tell them why I leave lessons on the reproductive system and drama lessons where I am forced to play a pregnant woman in floods of tears, why I leave lessons with a pain shooting across my tummy due to the ovaries and throwing up a lot. I'm dreading the looks of pity from my teachers but it has to e done.
It's Monday 10th October 2011. My little sister will be 15 in 6 days, I will see You Me At Six in 3 days, I will see Jack tomorrow, some distractions for now although my mind is never fully off the subject. When I see Jack I will forget, just for a moment when I look into his caring hazel eyes, when he hugs me with a chavy 'alright Laz' :') and I will hold onto him for at least 3 minutes cause he is just brilliant and perfect. He's going to make so many girls fall for him unknowingly and when he finds the one she won't find anyone better, he will treat her like a princess whether she deserves it or not. My best friend is amazing and I tell him a lot <3
I hope things between us don't change when he finds a girl he will be happy with as he is the only person I feel this close to :)
I'm going to sleep now, it's 00:06 and I have to be up in seven hours-ish for school. This was the release of everything I'm feeling and have been feeling for a while and wasn't as moment too soon. well goodnight whoever reads this and I'm sorry for being down. Give me a few weeks and I will post another entry with some good news that will make you smile.
I PROMISE!
Lazz
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