Realization and Rehabilitation

Saturday, October 15, 2011 1:36AM
So I'm basically just jumping right into this,

1 Its been almost a year since I've self harmed (yes this bullsh*t sounds attention seeking I know trust me its not one of those if you read on) and people have seemed sooo proud of me because of this , but I don't feel proud.
Once I stopped self harming ( Cutting , burning and starving - just to clear that up) I started , well how do I word it ?
"Re-Using" . So after a nice long run of no drugs and stability , (well besides the self harm of course pardon the dark humor) I begin with smoking marijuana again, and taking a few "tabs" here and there and you can just guess where it progresses.
Along with the "Re-Using" I begin mentally "body bashing" more than I ever have before, wanting to fit in with people more than ever before.
I had always been fine being my own little self in my own little world before I stopped, but once i made what people claimed "A Great Recovery" , I lost me.

And through all the crap I come to find myself here,
At realization that I have nothing in common with anyone of my 'friends' , besides the undying want and attempts of 'Beauty'.
Inside me I'm my own make of intellect , of emotion and of understanding ; But on the out I allow none of that to be seen.
So I got stuck, and moved on to stage 2

2 Its been 4 months since I stopped 'Illegally medicating myself' as I like to put it.
And I still hate my body I still hate who I am, I still hate the people I surround myself with.
I've stopped drugs and started attempting to show myself, but even then I'm stuck.
I've now achieved what is shown in magazines on television as perfection although still not the right size and still not of the beauty, I have all the pieces that it says you put together to reach the vain perfection, but still I feel hideous, still I want to harm more than ever at this point and still I'm surrounded with people I have nothing In common with.

I try to stop hating who I am like the books and psychiatrists say and accept me for me but it seems impossible.

I've been surfing between these 2 stages endlessly and Now 1 year harm free and 4 months drugs free, I can feel it all collapsing again.

I've come to realization of the impossibility of rehabilitation, I feel truly F*cked.

Advice would be more than appreciated .