I'm not quite sure on how to start this journal, so I guess I'll just start like this.
My name is Dani, for short, and I'm 18 years old. For the time being me and my boyfriend are living with his parents until we save up enough money to get our own place, nothing big just something to call our own. Anyways, we have been going out for years now, and we are planning on getting married one of these days, if everything goes as planed, but a few weeks back, I started getting this strange and crazy desire to have children. I mean I know it's nothing new, a lot of people must get that feeling from time to time, don't they? The only problem is that I can't stop thinking about having my own kids. I want to be pregnant, to be able to look into the mirror and see my growing belly where my soon-to-be-born child sleeps. I'm still in high school, finishing up my senior year, a few more months and I'm out, and I know I should wait at least until I graduate, but its something I'm struggling to convince myself to do.
Today, my boyfriend came home to eat here with me during his break, when he was about to leave I thought about convincing him that we should have a baby without anyone finding out, but then I remembered how my mom had the misfortune to lose three children, all miscarriages, and I got so scared because I didn't want to end up losing my baby like that either. I could just imagine coming home one day from the doctor after they had told me that I had a miscarriage, what would I tell everyone? They would surely notice, I don't think I could keep the death of my unborn child a secret for long. The misery would eat me alive for the rest of my life.
Still, I want to be called "mommy" by a small angel faced baby that came out of my womb, you know? I know I have to wait, I know that believe me, but it's so hard I see his cousins play with their children, and yes I play with them too, but its not the same, I want more then just to play with someone else's kid, I want my own kid to swing around, to bake cookies with on a cold december night. I want to grow up and see my children grow up and become what they want to be, to get married and to have children of their own. I just can't wait to have that life, and I feel that if I start now I'll be somewhat closer to my goal.
I realize how crazy this must sound, but I can assure you it's exactly what I feel. I feel the aching emptiness in my heart when I see little kids playing with their parents or a new mother changing their baby's dipper for the first time, it's so magical, I want to have a bit of that magic for myself. Is that too much to ask? Is it wrong to want that now?
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