Seriously?

Further updates on the ex situation:

Not only do I have to deal with the fact that Antonio is engaged, but this week, I have to see him every day and freaking sit next to him!

I am so tired of this. It would be so much easier to get over him if I didn't have to see him or hear his voice.

His former roommate Alejandro asked me when I'll stop being pissed at Antonio. I just told him that Antonio is not the kind of person I want in my life anymore. I'm not close enough to Alejandro to tell him the truth, although I'm really surprised it isn't obvious.

I'm not mad at Antonio. Not even close. I'm still in love with him, and seeing him is torture. I cannot pretend to be his friend. It would kill me.

I'm not crazy for acting like this. I think Alejandro and our other mutual friends are just irritated by it because they're friends with both of us, but when we're both in the room, they have to choose. It's awkward, but you know what? They can deal with it. I'm not sacrificing my sanity and happiness to make this more comfortable for everyone else.

I want to let Antonio go. I want him to be happy, but I want him out of my life. He's part of my past, and he should just stay there. I can't have closure and move on if he keeps showing up all the time. I feel like I'm going insane.

Meanwhile, I think Alejandro might like me. I know he has in the past, but the timing is just so horrible. He's still kind of getting over his ex (they broke up because he's Native American and her parents are racist, but he says he's over her), and I'm of course still reeling over the whole Antonio situation.

And he's a really nice guy. We get along very well. He's really similar to Antonio in that he's 6 years older than me and from Peru, but that's about where it ends. He's a fantastic composer and has a band. He salsas and tangos really well. He's caring and sweet and has a pretty hot body. I know he thinks I'm attractive, and when he plays the guitar and sings the salsa music he writes in Spanish... dayum.

We've been hanging out and texting each other a lot recently. I enjoy his company. But I'm not making any moves because a) the timing issues I mention before, and b) I'm not really positive if I actually have feelings for him or if I'm just enjoying the attention. And I might be going to Japan next semester (still haven't heard), and he's going back to Peru in May. Also it's just really, really poor character to date one of your ex's best friends.

Plus I think I might've screwed it up by drunk texting him last night, although technically it wasn't me but my roommate who grabbed my phone and starting explicitly texting him, but then I grabbed it back and tried to explain myself/her but cannot freaking spell or think coherently when drunk. (Yes, I know yesterday was a Tuesday. Don't judge.) I haven't heard from him all day, which might be a bad sign or might be just because he was writing a paper all night and he's tired. I also messed up on another occasion by not going to his concert because I was worried Antonio would be there and I just didn't want to see him so I drank with my friends instead. (I swear I'm not an alcoholic.)

I don't really see myself ever having a long-term relationship with him, but he's fun to hang out with. I don't want that to stop. And I want to dance with him. And hear him whisper in my ear in that sexy accent. And show him my new satin robe. (Or show someone my new satin robe. Seriously, what good is a satin robe when you're single?)

So yeah. Life.