I love you. Why isn't that enough?

I’ve pretty much done everything I can do to try and get you to stop doing all these things that hurt me but you continue to show me you don’t care that risking our relationship meant very little to you. You knew you were risking our relationship every single time you did the things you weren’t supposed to be doing. You seem to take me for granted. Maybe you think I’ll just come back every time you mess up.

I love you but one can only handle so much before they feel the need they have to let go. This was the only relationship I had played the very least of head games with. But even now I’m starting to feel like relationships are just a game again. To see who can last the longest or love the most and when you lose you don’t feel good enough to keep playing the game. You get tired of the game after losing time after time.

Why keep playing when you know you’re just gonna keep losing?

Normally breakups never really bother me. But there has only been two that have ever gotten to me. And as much as I want to believe it was the other person all I seem to do is blame myself whether they know it or not. I can be mean and tell them everything they’ve ever done to hurt me but when it comes down to it I never really blame them. I blame myself. I blame myself because I know I don’t do so well with relationships.

I’m not exact the best person and most the time I don’t even feel like I deserve the life I have and my life isn’t even close to being anything great at all and I still feel like I don’t deserve it. This was the one relationship that I actually felt like we had a chance to be together for a long time but the only way that would ever happen is if you stopped doing the things you were doing that hurt me but you won’t. I’ve tried every possible thing I could think of to actually make you realize how much those things hurt me. I’m not quite sure what to do anymore and I’m not quite sure how to forget about how in love with you I am. You would think that when you’re in love things would just work but love never really is enough. We went from being happy with each other to always fighting and arguing. I pretty much don’t even know what I’m talking about right now. I have a million things running through my head at once and I feel like I’m going crazy. I have so many mixed emotions and none of them are good. Each and every emotion that have is putting me on the edge of crying. Normally I’d just start talking to a million guys to get my mind off of someone but I don’t even want to do that. I don’t want to talk to anyone but then again I wish there was someone I could talk to. Not just anyone. A million people could send me an ask telling me I can talk to them if I need someone to vent to but I wouldn’t take any of those offers because when someone says they wish they had someone to talk to, it doesn’t mean just anyone. It’s usually because they have one person in mind that they want to talk to but something is keeping them back. I’ve went my whole life having people feel sorry for me for the things I went through and I used to feed off of that. If I didn’t have someone pitying me then I felt alone like no one cared about me and now I don’t want it at all. Most the time I only want people to tell me how much of a horrible person I am. Hoping someone will push me far enough for me to actually do something about it. Whether it being pushed to give up or pushed to the point of trying harder.

Sometimes I wish I could be a robot. Having no feelings not caring what anyone thinks of me and doing whatever I wanted to do without the stress or worry. After a few months of being alone I’ll eventually go numb until someone comes along and changes it again. I guess a part of me wishes you would just stop so we could be together but I’ve come to realize you never will and that’s just something I can’t handle so I need to do this, for me.