I don't care. I almost don't even want to know anymore.

I give up. I don't care, I quit.
I have no freaking clue at this point if he likes me or not, and thinking about it just pisses me off. So I quit. I'm done caring because I'm sick of going up and down every week. One week he'll go out of his way to talk to me and the next he all but ignores me completely. I'm so freaking sick of this crap.

I really really like him. I don't even remember the last time I liked a guy to this extent; my heart starts pounding at just the THOUGHT of seeing him and my brain stops working as soon as he enters the room. I'm blushing right now just thinking about him, and nothing's happened in the 6 or 7 months since I met him. Well, other than him coming to talk to me after worship practice. And I don't even know if that's just because he figures "Oh hey, someone to talk to" or if he actually cares. But if he likes me he needs to freaking get his crap in gear because I'm just about sick of it. And if he's not interested he shouldn't act like it in the first place, with all the waving and staring and conversations.

I'm just mad. I'm sad because he didn't talk to me on Sunday even though he waved and had several opportunities in which he could have said something, but he didn't. He waved and then basically ignored me all morning except for the few times I caught him staring at me and all I could think was that no matter how much he stares, I still want to punch him for being so freaking clueless. It's not like I haven't done anything to make it ridiculously obvious that I like him. I get this huge stupid freaking grin on my face every time I see him, and in case that isn't enough there's the fact that I can't even talk normally when he's around. I know he's noticed that I stare at him almost as much as he stares at me. I know he caught me looking back at him after small group last week as we were leaving and if he didn't notice how slowly I was walking until he caught up he must be blind. There's also the fact that I freaking leave at the same time as him every week, even though it's blatantly obvious when it's just the two of us left and probably everyone BUT him has figured it out by now.

And I'm mad at myself because I shouldn't be this worked up about it but I am. I'm mad at myself because I shouldn't have had a meltdown about it on Sunday but I couldn't help myself and I just couldn't keep myself together at least until I got home. It's so freaking frustrating and I don't even know what to do. I don't even know if he's interested so I'd feel like an idiot if I asked.

I'm just so sick of all this crap. I just want SOMETHING to happen.