Shiver

Things I cannot handle right now:

1) My impossibly difficult test tomorrow. I've been studying all evening but still don't understand.

2) That I just spent almost $400 on a snake. Yeah. Kind of an impulse buy. An insane impulse. Still processing that.

3) My (nonexistent) relationship with Alejandro.

This is what I wanted, isn't it? I wanted some sort of casual relationship with him. But I'm feeling so incredibly ambivalent. He rarely texts me during the day, and this makes me feel very insecure. But insecure about what? If we're not in a relationship, there's nothing to be insecure about! What we have is some sort of secret FWB relationship.

And I know he's still in love with his ex. And she's still in love with him. But the distance thing, and her parents...

I know it's not ever going to work out between us. I'm not even sure if I want it to. But I can feel my self-esteem drooping the more I think about how he's just using me as a bandage. I'm his booty call. He doesn't care about me.

And maybe it's just because we're both busy. Maybe I'm used to Antonio being so clingy and needy. Antonio texted me all the time, and he wanted to see me every single day. Alejandro makes me see how neurotic I am. True, I keep it locked deep, deep down inside, but Alejandro is just so naturally chill. He's seriously the coolest guy I know. Unlike Antonio, I've never seen him angry. Unlike Antonio, he laughs easily.

It's a bit sick because it makes me miss a lot of things about Antonio. Alejandro and I have a good friendship, but it's not anything like the connection Antonio and I had. I can't describe it. It was just amazing, and I miss it.

It's not like Alejandro and I never hang out during the day. Alejandro and I had lunch together on Sunday. We have plans to get Indian food and go salsa dancing. We have deep, meaningful conversations about life. He calls me his inspiration and promises he'll write a song for me. And he'll kiss my hand when he drops me off.

Sometimes I want Alejandro. Sometimes I don't. My roommates today were talking about how much they liked him when they met him. Only Marie knows we're having a secret fling, although I don't think she noticed that I spent the night at his place.

Last night was so great. We sat next to each other on the couch and drank tea while listening to the rain. And he told me that he would always listen to "Shiver" by Coldplay and think of me.

But it isn't true. I know it isn't true. He doesn't like me. He's just using me for something, and when he no longer needs me, he will be gone.

I just keep telling myself, "Be careful. Don't get too attached. Keep your distance. He will leave you. He will leave you. He will leave you."

In the contest between Antonio's ex and me, Antonio chose his ex. In the contest between Alejandro's ex and me, Alejandro will also choose his ex. I just want to be someone's first choice. I'm tired of being the back-up plan.

I was freaking out on Saturday, and I told Jai about it. Her advice was so simple yet so profound. "Do what makes you happy." What makes me happy? And will what makes me happy now make me happy in the long-term? Can I even plan for the long-term? Should I just worry about today? I don't know.