oh hello. i haven't been on here in ages, but i'm getting back into writing, so i decided i'd finish my stories on here because, well... i love it here. anyway, that's not what this journal is about. this journal is about my addiction... and about my relapse. i need help. anything i can get. just please, please, please do not just be rude. i feel shitty enough already.
for those of you who have read my previous journals, you would know that i'm addicted to cocaine and was in rehab for a while, and then i was clean for a long time. for about four months, actually. well... i'm in an outpatient treatment program for drugs, and i'm literally the only person in there that really wants to get clean, so everyone always talks about doing acid and shrooms and various other shit that won't show up in a basic urine analysis. long story short, i got really, really, really, really triggered. then, much to my dismay, no one was home when i got back to the house after group, and my brother's ritalin was just sitting there on the table. the entire bottle. and i know that rits get out of your system in about 2 days, so i could pass a drop. i stared at that shit for about five minutes before i snatched it up and took about 15 of them out of the bottle and put them in a little baggie. this morning, i woke up and remembered the ritalin. then, i remembered cocaine... i remembered how it made me feel, and i know that ritalin has a very similar effect to cocaine. and, i took some. i took about 100mg.
while i was waiting for them to kick in, i realized what i had done. four months of my life down the drain. my sobriety down the drain. my happiness down the drain. my health down the drain. the trust i regained down the drain. a few of my friends down the drain (the ones who said they wouldn't associate with me if i relapsed). and then, i wanted to lie about it. lie to my parents, lie to my friends, lie to my outpatient counselor, lie to my probation officer, lie to my sponsor (in narcotics anonymous), lie to all the people at my home group (again, narcotics anonymous)... lie to everyone who trusted me and had faith in me. and, part of me still wants to lie about it. i'm what they call a "chronic relapser." every time i get clean, i fuck up. and i hate it. and i should have learned my lesson by now, but, i guess i haven't. i hate myself every time, but it always happens. and that really, really scares me. my four months was the longest clean time i've had, and i threw it all away for a couple hours of tweaking. but, i know that my secrets keep me sick, so... i called my best friend, "eliana," and i told her... she was silent for a couple seconds, and then told me that she was at school, to text her, and that she loves me no matter what, but i really need to kick that shit. and i started bawling. i don't understand how she can say she loves me... i feel like a total failure. i can't even get significant clean time. i almost just want to throw it all away and go back out there and get fucked up on anything i can get my hands on... but, i don't want to die. not at 16 years old, at least.
but, i'm getting really emotional now, and i have school soon, so i'm gonna go smoke a newport and head to school. if you read all of this, thank you. i really needed to get that out. to admit it. to tell on myself. any input you have is greatly appreciated as long as it's not, like... totally bashing me. constructive criticism is fine, but please don't be rude. i really don't need that right now.
thank you. all of you.
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