Telling Someone

So, I told Elisabeth today that I like girls. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it yet. Someone knows. She'll always know, and I can never take it back. I thought I'd feel a bit more relieved, but if anything I'm probably even more anxious now than I was before. I fell like now that one person knows, there's a time limit set on telling everyone else. Like, that I no longer have all the time in the world to deal with this all. I mean, I know Elisabeth will never tell anyone, but I feel like it can only be a secret for so much longer now that someone knows.

There's really only two people in my life that I think won't take the news well once I tell them, and neither person is in my family. Still, I know my parents aren't going to be thrilled at the news, but I do know they'll be supportive and caring and all that stuff, but telling them, and telling my grandma is the only thing that actually scares me. I live with my grandma, so telling her is something that is really important to me. My parents won't be thrilled at the idea, but I know I'm lucky because even though it's not their first choice, they'd do their best to show that they still love me and care for me.

I really couldn't care less about what my brother thinks, but I doubt it would be much of an issue with him. He makes a lot of derogatory gay remarks but when it comes down to it, I don't really think he'd really care. I wouldn't tell him first, because there's a pretty good chance that he would out me to my family before I'm ready to let them know, but Liam will be Liam, and I guess I know that he would stick up for me if needed (not that he ever really has needed to nor do I ever want him to, but it's still nice to think he probably would). I don't think he'll ever really understand the issues of the queer community or why the word "fag" is offensive, but he's not an entirely bad person either.

My dad will probably think I'm a lesbian because he doesn't believe in bisexuality but I think my mom will understand it a little bit better. I haven't decided who I'll tell first, but I do want to tell them within a week of one another. Once one parent knows, I want both to know. Shortly after, I'll tell my grandmother.

I know my roommate will feel awkward about it, but I want to know for sure if we're definitely not living together next semester before I tell her. She'll be nice about it and all, but I know she'll tell her mom, and it's weird to think that adults will know. Still, I wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable in her own room. Even though I've always been this way, she hasn't always known that this is who I am.

I don't know if I should join the LGBTQ club at my school. I'm no longer questioning; I know what I am. Maybe it would help me come to terms with all of this. I know that people in the gay community can be skeptical of people who declare themselves bisexual, but I know that not everyone in the gay community feels that way, and it might be good to get to know people who are out. I think I'll wait until next semester when I have a better handle on everything (and when I'll be taking some classes that I like better so homework won't seem so overwhelming).

I know there's a lot of big things I'm going to have to face and I know that there's a huge part of the world that will hate me for who I am. And I know there's smaller things I'l have to face too(like people assuming I'm a lesbian, about being the token gay friend, about not having my opinion repsected about LGBT rights because I can't look at it objectively, stuff like that) but ultimately I know that being honest with myself and with the world is a lot more important than all of those things. I'm truly, extremely lucky in the sense that I know most people will be supportive of it, some more than others.

I don't know if Maria will ever be able to fully accept me as a friend because of it, but strangely, I'm okay with that.

I remember the first time before I decided to get drunk, I worried about what would happen if I was one of those people who started spilling all of my secrets, and I remember deciding that even if I did let it slip while I was drunk, it would all be okay because the people with whom I did it with cared enough about me to still be my friends.

It's kind of daunting to have to come out to three groups of people (my high school friends, my college friends, and my family). Once all three groups know, I'm okay with letting the rest of the world know as well.

I'm still anxious, even after writing this, but even if right now it doesn't feel great letting someone know, it is an important step. It might take me a while to keep walking, but I'll get there eventually.