oo8. giving up on sobriety.

hi. for those of you who don't know me, my name is rosary, and i'm addicted to cocaine. now, just recently, i had 74 days clean and sober... then, i relapsed on ritalin, and i felt horrible, but it felt amazing. i was sitting in my bed last night, and i couldn't sleep, and i was thinking a lot about my relapse. and then, i had this... epiphany-ish thing: the reason i keep relapsing is because i don't want to be sober. i want other people to be proud of me. i want my parents and friends to be happy. i'm getting clean for everyone but myself. i know for a fact that, until i want to get sober for me, i'm gonna keep relapsing and keep fucking up and keep disappointing people and keep feeling like shit. i haven't hit that point yet. i haven't hit that spot where i feel like a total piece of shit and really, really, really want to be sober. for myself.

so, yeah.

i know this is a short journal, but i kind of needed to get this off of my chest.

so, thanks for reading.

bye.