I went on a bus trip to Chicago yesterday, and since the trip was three hours (give or take) one way, that was around six hours of boringness on the bus. So, I brought my CD player (I'm so old school, I know) and a few CDs. Among those CDs were two of the winnner of Season 8 of American Idol, David Cook's, CDs. This Loud Morning came out in June, and his debut album, David Cook, came out November 2008.
I had difficulty keeping a username the first few months I was on here. (I joined in May of 2008.) I kept switching my username and I couldn't find one that suited me well. When David Cook came out, the songs truly resonated with me. The lyrics, even listening to them yesterday, ring out a message to me, many messages actually. Each song's lyrics are perfectly crafted and I--I just love them.
So, my point. When I changed my username to permanentdeclaration, many people thought I was making a 'permanent declaration' of my own. I quickly dismissed that thought and told everyone that my username came from two of the songs from David Cook's CD David Cook: Permanent and Declaration. This is completely true; that is where I got my username from.
But, listening to the lyrics yesterday on the bus, really, truly listening to them, it dawned on me that maybe everyone else was right. Maybe I did, somehow--self-consciously, I guess--choose those two songs as my username to make a sort-of 'permanent declaration'. Declaration, to me, is a cry for help. The lyrics of the first part of the chorus, It's my declaration to anyone whose listening. You're my inspiration, as I stand alone against the world. is so deep. It reminds me of my struggle back in late 2008-early 2009. I went through it all in my head yesterday. The suicidal thoughts, when I grabbed the knife, going to the mental hospital...I needed help. Declaration was just that, for me. And Permanent, the first verse and chorus, Is this the moment where I look you in the eye? Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry. And everything, it will surely change even if I tell you I won't go away today. Will you think that you're all alone when no one's there to hold your hand? And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary rest your head. I'm permanent. is also deep. Listening to it yesterday, thinking back to that hard time for me, I realized that I think it resonated with me so much back then because it gave me hope when I couldn't find any. The chorus is honestly what I needed to hear at that time. I needed hope that someone was going to find me, help me, be permanent in my life.
Crazily enough, that person turned out to be me. All I needed back then was to have faith, to have hope, in myself. And looking back on everything that happened those months, making permanentdeclaration my username seems to be the first step to reaching that faith, that hope. I guess, in a way, music saved my life. I've never liked saying that, or hearing it, or reading it, but I guess it's true; music, along with myself, my family, my friends, and God the Father, all saved my life. I'm so blessed to be here on Earth still, to know all the people I know, and it's crazy to think about what I would be missing out on if I had gone through with my suicide attempt.
This is really deep, hah. Here, I'll make it more happy:
:D
<3
;)
:P
For all reading this: Thank You for reading all of this!
<3,
Katelyn (aka: permanentdeclaration)
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