o11. dear uppers/stimulants, we're over.

oh my god, you guys. i was traumatized last night/this morning. like, i thought i was going to die. i was legit crying. like... i swear to god i had a miniature heart attack.

yesterday, i took 3 concerta, 4 ritalin (20mg per), 9 benadryl, and then drank about 9 heavily caffeinated beverages. this was at about noon yesterday... now, i was recently clean for about 75 days, so, obviously, my tolerance for uppers dropped... and i failed to take that into consideration when i took these stimulants. here's a step by step of what happened after i took/drank all those stimulants:

1. i started speeding. y'know, just enjoying my little trip.
2. i started really speeding. like... hard.
3. my jaw started twitching and moving around uncontrollably.
4. my jaw and eyes started hurting terribly.
5. i went to my room and tried to go to sleep, but i couldn't. at all.
6. ended up pulling an all-nighter just laying in my bed speeding and trying to fall asleep.
7. i started to get a discomfort in my chest.
8. my entire body started twitching and quivering uncontrollably.
9. the discomfort in my chest turned into excruciating pain.
10. the pain in my chest spread to my arms and my neck and jaw.
11. my breathing got very shallow and fast.
12. i checked my pulse on my neck, and it was fast as fuck. like... really, really fast.
13. i got in the bathtub with scented oils to try to calm my body down. didn't work.
14. my body started shaking even worse, and the pain in my torso got worse.
15. i tried to do some deep breathing, but, no matter how hard i tried, my breathing remained shallow.
16. the pain and quivering finally calmed down about two hours ago.
17. my jaw is still twitching, and i still feel mild pain in my jaw, neck, and chest.

okay, so... i was so fucking scared. like, i've almost drowned multiple times, and i've overdosed multiple times, and never have i been that scared of dying. i was totally and utterly convinced i was having a heart attack and i would just drop dead. like, honestly... that was the scariest thing i've ever experienced. like, i've always told myself i'm not afraid of dying, but... being that close to it... god, was i fucking terrified. i am never, ever, ever going to do uppers again. fuck that. i don't want to die over a couple hours of speeding... speeding isn't even that fun.

so, yeah. uppers/stimulants? i'm done with that.