I really could use a working time machine right now. I'm so sick of feeling like this :/

I don't even know where to begin with this journal, nor how to properly express exactly how I am feeling, but I rather make an attempt at it than keeping my thoughts all jumbled up in my head. If you are not in the mood to read a journal about love, heartbreak, and the like I suggest that you stop reading this journal and hit the back button. I don't want to annoy anybody and I know some people aren't too keen on this topic. I've been holding this in for quite some time now and I figured Mibba would be a good place to vent it out. Feel free to comment or not, if you can provide any insight into this situation or advice, I really appreciate it!

I feel quite pathetic really; it's almost been one year. In 32 days it will be one year since the guy I've felt the strongest for thus far ended things. 3 days after Christmas/our 19 month anniversary he ended it through a text message while at band practice. I didn't know I meant so little after all this time... For so long I felt like I'd finally found something that would always make me happy. My ex was away visiting his sister for a week in Europe and he couldn't use his phone over there. The whole week he was gone, I just knew he was going to come back home and break up with me. I spent that week working on his Christmas present/anniversary gift. I poured my heart into it with the sickening feeling that he might never get it. He never has; it still sits in my room. I want him to see it, read it, feel a little bit of what we once had within those words that I wrote despite the realization that our relationship was likely coming to an end. I may never give him his present, no matter how much I want to give it to him. What makes matters worse is he just got a new girlfriend two days ago.

Needless to say, when I saw that he had a new girlfriend I was speechless. My brain didn't quite process the news but eventually my brain caught up with my pounding heart and I felt sick to my stomach, just like that first night when everything came to an end. I'm not sure which was worse; him breaking up with me or finding out he's with someone else. I suppose there isn't really an answer to that because I still love him and everything between now and then hurts like hell.

It sickens me that I still remember everything we did together, every memory, every "I love you", every hug, every kiss, every conversation, everything... I remember how I felt the day we met and I knew at that moment, that my life would never be the same. I'm stuck with my heart in the past and I'd give anything to go back to that April day. I've shed so many tears over him and I don't want to cry anymore because of him. I want to get over him if there is no hope for us again. The trouble is, how can I know if I'll get another chance? I don't want to wait forever for him, but I still love him despite all the pain he's caused me. I can only hope that he'll come back but I also know that it's more likely he never will be mine again. I guess I should be happy that we still talk, even though it's barely at all. I am glad that he doesn't hate me and that he doesn't ignore me all the time, but in my mind and heart, he'll always be someone I loved/love. I wish I knew how he got over me (if he really did I don't know) and if I still matter to him. I keep telling myself that everything will be okay because it has to be, but I don't know when I'll start to believe it.

Anybody who has successfully gotten over or learned to accept that their relationship with someone they loved very much has ended, kudos to you. I don't know how you do it. Sometimes it's alright but most of the time, it's not.
There has to be a reason for all of this...
No amount of sad songs, containers of ice cream, or the usual break up quotes have helped me get past this. I wish I had a time machine to go back to the beginning; I'd enjoy it even more and fix my mistakes. He made some too, but maybe if I was good enough, we'd still be together. If we don't end up together like we planned/hoped we would, I hope that the one I do end up with will make me forget what this pain felt like and make me wonder why I ever dated this guy. Part of me says I'll always love him, that he'll be the one that got away. He doesn't even know that I still cry over him, that I am crying over him right now, or that I sitll love him...

To anybody who has read all of this, thank you. Mibba, what can I do? Does anybody have any good ideas for getting over someone you still love, but shouldn't? I'm tired of feeling this way :(