In Memory of James Thomas Squires

I found out what happened Tuesday morning. Your mom apologized for me having to find out on from Facebook. You've been on my mind since you called to go get that stupid bike. I don't know why I shut myself off when you called me... Maybe I got scared. Monday night, I found letters I wrote about you. I find it strange that it happened that night, while I read about my feelings for you. My world came crashing down on me that morning. I couldn't breathe. I went to school but my teacher sent me home because there wasn't anything that could stop me from crying. I haven't worn make up since Monday. There's no point. It all comes off anyway.Today is the first day that I've really been home since Monday. I didn't even think about coming here Tuesday. Yeah, I've been running away; I've been keeping myself occupied. IT's only because when I'm not busy, I see you. I hear you. I feel you. It hurts me; I start crying and I can't stop it.
I stayed the night with Steven Tuesday. That's the guy that was with me Friday... He said you looked like a good guy. He was right. I cried a lot that night. I watched movies, but all I did was think about you. His eyes kinda remind me of yours. It's hard to look at him sometimes now... Wednesday I woke up and went to Megan's. Do you remember her? She remembers you... We went out to Marshall's and other places, but again, all I thought of was you. That night... I don't remember that night. I know Thursday I went to Steven's house first thing. I stayed until I went to my mom's. I stayed late then came home and went straight to bed. Friday... Friday I went to pick Steven up. I was terrified. I bought a pack of smokes that morning. I started toward Rock Hill.
Remember how I did when I was nervous? How I got really quiet? Yeah, that's what I did. Danni met me at my truck, and we went in. I wasn't planning on seeing you that quickly but they had you right at the door... My body stopped working and there wasn't a damn soul in that room... I tried to hold it in. I saw your mom; I hugged her and told her that I love her. Then I waited to talk to you. There was a little girl saying goodbye to you. I walked up to you and just stared at you. I was hoping you were going to wake up and laugh at me because I fell for your stupid joke again. You didn't. I held your hand. You were so cold, and so still. I thought of that night when you were over and I fell asleep on the floor beside you, holding your hand because you were so upset.
J, you mean the world to me. You always have. You always will. I'm having a hard time with this so forgive me when you see me crying and looking for you. I know you want the best for us all, and I'll do my best solely for you, but it's going to take some time, Baby. You were a force all in your own. You changed my life; you changed my soul. I love you, J... From Twitch, to Emoscicle, to JT, to J... I love you through every change that you make, and I love you when you're working on cars in Heaven. I miss you, Baby. You'll never know how badly. When I get up there, you better have a hug for me, Mister. I miss them the most. Okay, well... I just wanted to tell you that...
Oh, yeah... Remember when we tried to make you one of these things and it kept kicking you off? Haha, we got so pissed. I love you.