Hmmm..

I'm at the point where I want to write, but I'm not sure what about. I have had so many thoughts running through my head. That's all they do..They continue to run. Lately, I can't remember them. It's like they run through, then all of a sudden their gone. It must be the weed. I seem to forget more when I smoke..Especially with how much I've been smoking lately. It's lessened a tad.

It's been hard. Being away from Stephanie, John, and Ashley, and the people that became my family. That saying, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." reigns true. Specially when John broke up with me. I can honestly say that my heart dropped, and I felt as if I couldn't breathe. I stayed on a high for two days straight...I didn't give a fuck about anyone. I just wanted my babyboy. I let it get the best of me.

You know..I don't even know where I'm going with this. Or what is even on my mind. I've been wanting to write for awhile, but it's like the words won't escape from me. Like they're stuck in some compartment in the depths of my head, and they can't be reached until the perfect timing. Until someone triggers it. I don't know what that trigger could possibly be, because I know it's a bunch of different thoughts that aren't subject to one event. It's bugging the hell out of me. It's like I have a mini version of me, sitting there, yelling, screaming, trying to get out...but there's something holding it back. I honestly feel like I'm losing myself. Mainly with the more I smoke, the more my thoughts become jumbled and confused and nothing comes out expressed right. I tend to sound like an idiot...It's frustrating.

Again, I have no idea where I'm going with this so bear with me.

I'm moving back to South Carolina. I love being with my mom and my sister, but I came to realize I left what actually is my family. Family has nothing to do with blood. Blood, my sisters favorite word when it comes to our relationship. I choose my family. Those that actually are "blood" related to me, I will always love them. The fact of the matter is, those that have continued to love me through my faults, my insecurities, lifted me up, wiped away the tears, held on to me, and so much more...They became my family. They have done so much more for me compared to what my "blood" family has done. I chose my mothers, my fathers, my sisters and my brothers. Yes, I say that I have multiple mothers/fathers because why should I be limited to who I consider to be my parents. Yeah, I have my actual parents, but they don't compare to those that mean the world to me.

What would it be like to look at yourself from the outside in? I was just talkin' about this with my ex. Honestly, that's what I want to do. I want to see my faults, see the things that fuck me up everyday..I want to see the emotion on my face. I want to read my body language. I want to see what everyone else can see. Maybe then I could figure out some things in my life. Tyler said, "Seeing yourself from the outside would be the same as being completely honest with yourself, I think. But completely, truly, heartfelt honest." That right there is true. Because you can't tell yourself to be good while your watching. You wouldn't be able to lie to yourself. You would see you for you. See what everyone else does. Maybe it would be good, maybe bad? I'm not sure.

I'm always wondering if I'm actually me. That doesn't sound right at all. Sometimes I just feel fake, irrelevant to everyone around me. There's time I hate myself...I see nothing but a mess up, a screw up. Half the time I'm not happy with who I am, inside and out. I base my life off making people happy, doing things for others. I hate to hurt someone. More than half the time I do it without even knowing...Once I realize it, I beat myself up. Half the time I hate who I am. Countless times I'm told I'm beautiful, caring, amazing, and whatever else people come up with...but I don't feel that. I don't see that. For the life of me I can't figure out why. I wish I knew. There's so many things I wish I knew...but I suppose everything comes in time. Maybe in time I'll learn to embrace and love the person I am, or maybe in that time I'll figure out who I am.

I've always thought about this. Well more so after John broke up with me...I was riding on the back of this bike at one point. I was out with a friend...Life was alright. I was living with John, Ashley was doing decent....But as I sat there with my body pressed against his back, staring at the ground, watching the yellow lines speed past...I thought..What if I jumped? Right then. Maybe it would possibly be over. What is "it" though? I haven't figured that part out yet...I mean if I look back, I honestly don't have it bad. This year has been rough, but it hasn't been bad. I've had a lot of things build me up, and plenty that broke me down. Think though, Pain then peace. Or just pain..Who knows. The sad part is I was really tempted to jump. I don't know what was running through my head.

It's a sad thing, but I love changing myself. I change the color of my hair, piercings, clothing...Anything that I can. Maybe it's the feeling of power that it gives me. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm able to. Or maybe if I continue to do this, I will be able to actually find something that I'll stick with.

Why can't we see what everyone else sees'?

Well I guess I'm off for right now...I'll probably come up with something else to talk about later.