Just Stuck.

I'm really missing home tonight.
I'm sitting here blaring Eminem in my ears, so I don't have to hear anyone else.

I was happy tonight. Well it's been on and off. I had gotten on the phone with Johnathon and I came inside. My mom and stepdad started playing around, pushing eachother, wrestling and such. Well...Mom actually started to get mad...She does this voice when she's mad. I don't know how to explain it. When she got that voice, it triggered a memory. This flashback wasn't like how my other flashbacks happened. In this one I felt like I was my little girl self again. It felt real. I didn't see my stepdad, I saw here ex boyfriends, I saw my dad. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to cry. I still want to cry. It scared the shit out of me.

I also came to the realization, I'm pushing everyone away again. I'm putting that wall up, because I'm scared....Simple as that.

I keep on getting distracted from writing..I keep looking up at my mom. She's laying there on her bed, playing on her phone. Tears are beginning to form. I look at her, and I feel sick. I look at her and I feel mad. I feel sad I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel every fucking emotion that may be possible. I don't see a mom. I see a friend, aquatint. Never a mother. I call her mom, but she isn't one. I just want to run up to her and shake her! I wanna ask why! I wanna understand! She should have fixed herself. I'm tired of these memories. I'm tired of being confused. I'm tired of being scared. I don't want to have the some fear when I hear her yell. I want to know what it was controlling her. It's harsh, but it sickens me to be her daughter. I'm better..Right? I'm going to be different...Right? I won't end up like her. I know I smoke constantly. I use to take away each thought. I use it to feel somewhat normal. It does nothing though. It ends up with "Maybe another hit.." which then turns into another, then another...Next thing I know I can't feel my body. I'm on such a high. I hate that it's at that point that I feel alright. It shouldn't be like that. It's like I'm back to square one on my downfall, but that I'm not noticing.. I feel like after Tyler died...I would just stare into the distance...I have no memory..I black everything out. That's the way I've liked it..

I don't feel like me. I feel like the me that everyone knows is stuck inside. That I have something I'm trying to let out, but each word is stuck to my throat, all jumbled together. They won't come un jumbled. Everything is getting repeated over and over again. Half the shit I say doesn't even make sense. I'm slowly leaving reality...Bit by bit, a little piece with each hit I take..With each time I get scared. I keep getting told that I need to wake up from my fantasy land. That I have to let it go. That I have to deal with reality. That I can't keep shutting out what is really happening. What's real. I seem to be letting my head get the best of me. Are you ever at the point you feel like you're suffocating..And each breath gets harder and each breath takes more effort than the last. Then you get to that crumbling point where you're fine if you completely stop breathing. Why is death so ok with me now? It crosses my mind more often than it should. I wouldn't care if it happened to me. That doesn't sound right. It's not right. I'm rambling. I have all these thoughts and I'm just trying to get them out....

I'm texting Johnathon right now. We talked about me pushing him away. I told him I'm scared of him. I feel like I'm putting my everything into him, wanting to be with him, trying not to lose him..I feel like I'm handing myself on a silver platter to him. Allowing to use me for anything, whatever he wants...I don't do that with anyone. I get scared that each relationship will end up the same..I was so hurt when he broke up with me. I pushed everyone out. Stayed stoned for two days. From the time I woke up, till the time I slept. That's ridiculous for a guy. After those two days, I figured; I need to fight for what I want...I've been trying.. I lost my train of thought.. I feel a little bit better about things with Johnathon...I tried to open up to him. It worked a little. Still some things I can't explain just yet.

Mom is so stoned she can barely keep her eyes open..Again, I see myself.

I think that's all I can get out right now...I lost everything I was thinking about..