Have You Ever Wanted Someone So Much It Hurts <3

i'm scared. I'm confused. I'm torn. I'm broken. i'm worried. I'm happy. i'm skeptical. I'm just me.

So me and my boyfriend Thomas, were broken up back in September because of my mother. She didn't agree with our relationship, but said we could still be friends. So for the next couple months we went on being friends, but acting as though we were together. (we still kissed, held hands, and other stuff, non-sexual)

As tme progressed, things started falling apart, we faught, bad fights, then we made up. He had asked me multiple times to ask my mother if we could resume our relationship as it had been in September. The first time I asked she said no and was irritated that I had asked so I waited. Itr upset Thomas that I hadn't asked her frequently because I knew it would make her mad and she would say no even more.

One night we got into a really bad fight. Extremely bad. So bad I was considering suicide, and other issues, I had a meeting with my therapist three days later and he asked me if I wanted to go into a mental hospital for suicidal issues and I said I don't know, so he gave me a week. I got home that night and I told Thomas about what had happened. He freaked out and was crying cause I may have been leaving the next week.

That week I had talked to my mom and had told her that the only way me and Tom could fix our relationship, was to get back together. She agreed and I was so excited to tell Tom. I waited until school the next day so I could see his face. Not what I expected at all, he said his mom wouldn't allow it. Meaning we couldnt see each other, date, and we weren't even supposed to be talking to each other. I was so upset. My next therapist appointment came and I decided not to go. Tom was happy about that.

Months past a few fights, and other things happened. Finally Wednesday we got into a fight because I had found out him and one of his good girl friends had been "make out buddies" and he didn;t even tell me! I was so mad i went off on him, ended up going home early because I was so sick to my stomach. We argued for a couple of hours, I yelled at him a few times and he just listened in tears because he knew what he had done was wrong. He told his friend that it would never happen again and that they couldn't talk anymore (at least thats what he told me he said, I don't exactly trust him right now, and he promised he would have to rebuild my trust) That night was so bad, then He asked me out after a lot of yelling. I was so confused and I told that that he would get in trouble if we did and he said he didn't care, So I said yes, but he would still have to regain my trust (which he is working on). So we fixed most things. and we're good now.. well kinda.

I feel like nothing is the same for us as it used to be. I'm afraid he just said that he told his friend that. I'm afraid they still are "make out buddies." I can't get it out my head. I wake up in the middle of the night crying. I cry myself to sleep. I dont want to say anything to him because if he really is being honest about it he might get upset if i accuse him of something he didnt do. I dont know what to do. Did I do the wrong thing by saying yes? Did he only ask me just to get me to stop yellling at him or did he mean it? He told me he meant it when I asked but I don't know that for sure. I am so lost. I dont know what to do. This has been my life for the past couple months. I AM SO TIRED OF IT !

Thanks !

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Tell me have you ever wanted
Someone so much it hurts?
Your lips keep trying to speak
But you just can't find the words
Well, I had this dream once
I held it in my hands
- Lady Antebellum; We Owned The Night