Enlightening Change

(How the hell do I add a link without it looking like http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CweROG8S-68 this? Suggested listening for the reading, by the way.)

Hello, reader. I'm not going to lie but I don't even know where I want to begin with this writing or wherever it is even going, but a desire in me requested to write. My thoughts. Maybe tidbits of my past. Maybe some things that have formed me whom I am today.

There have been a lot of people I've come across through my aged life of twenty-one, but I can say honestly only a handful have ever made an impact on my life. Thinking on it, it's incredible how you can talk to and know so many people yet at the end of a day, you'll probably only be able to count on both hands how many people mean something to you. Mean more than just a friend, are better than hang out buddies or drinking buddies, people that understand you and wish for the best for you, despite their actions.

In the month of December, nearing the end of year closer with each passing day and hour, it makes one reflect. On the past. When you stop and read an insightful piece of work in an emotionally distraught state, and you witness things from a different kind of perspective, it causes you to be inspired. I for the past few weeks have been in a manic depression but been struggling, and just tonight, December 11th 2011, had a sort of... revelation. Something changed. I viewed my life from an outside perspective. I perceived it from a view point that is not my own. And it... has shown me a sense of happiness in an odd, numb way combined with the sadness.

Let me touch on the writing I was reading earlier. It was on a website, Teamliquid, I was just randomly browsing through the blogs and normally I am not one to stop and read a whole lot when I am, admittedly, slightly inebriated and very tired, but something in me told me to. His writing rivalled that of an essay's length but each word had my interest held. His project was his journey on life thus far and there were more pieces but I only read two of them. And it inspired me. It made me think. It made me begin to reflect on this year, and my life in general. From all my experiences I've had, that I've learned from, I'm probably still quite ignorant in the grand scheme of things and probably can't scratch that of anything the elderly have, but damn it I am a human being and have every right to express what I have learned and continue learning.

It's interesting, if you just stop and think, truly think, about your life and learn to view it in a different way, one that is not biased in how you feel and perceive everything. Maybe you will say it is impossible, maybe you'll find it bizarre, maybe you'll try it yourself. It changes you, though.

Let's jump into things a little more personally. Let's talk about the most recent person who had made changes and impacts on my life.

I met her over two years ago. We were friends, meeting in a chat room one day and exchanging contact information. Back then I didn't put a lot of thought into it, it was just another cute girl to talk to (boy was I desperate). She comes on and off, often for months at a time. There had been a particularly longer period where she hadn't been on in ages, but she was still my friend. I didn't think about her a lot or terribly miss her but I always had felt something wasn't right. A small feeling, nothing to affect a day to day basis.

Anyway... one day, she comes back. Dropped right back into my life. She tells me she's in love with me one day, though she was drunk and didn't remember it the following days. Interesting. This begins to make me think. Make my mind go into over-drive. And with each thought I had, my heart beats faster. Every time I recalled her face, I got just a little anxious. I knew then that I was developing a crush. That's what started it. I always had always started developing crushes in particularly different methods. Maybe I was jumping at the thought that she was in love with me? It didn't matter. I grew to fall for her. She suddenly became almost all my thoughts in the day. I looked forward to talking to her every day. I checked multiple times for her to appear, I waited countless hours awake until I was to exhausted to keep my eyes open to talk to her.

Eventually, I finally come to terms with my feelings for her. Though, here, it was too late. She had a boyfriend. I was devastated. I was determined, however. I kept flirting with her, she kept accepting it, we kept talking. With each passing day of when I revealed how I felt, the tension increased. Then suddenly... that's it.

She was single. The one thing that was going through my mind? “Now's my chance!” But I didn't jump at it. I figured she may need some time before finally moving into something with me. She told me she was interested in a relationship, and I was the happiest man on earth, simply waiting. Few days later, she tells me she's ready. I am ecstatic. Of course, at the time I realize now it MAY have been a bad idea for her to jump from one relationship to another – and before you accuse her of being a player or anything that is conclusive in such a regard, I tell you to NOT have those thoughts come into your head. The feelings were simply too strong for either of us to ignore.

So... we get together. Love beings to blossom. Things start happening. I get pulled out of a slump and sit on top a mountain of happiness. Or the moon. Suspended by the feeling of pure bliss and love and, just everything great that comes with love. This relationship began changing me right from the beginning. I was more inspired, and motivated, to try for the things in life I wanted. And I believe good luck came with such, as I landed a job not too long afterwards we got together. Then, I was seeking it just to be with her in person, so I could hold and feel her and kiss her. That was my biggest desire, to just kiss her and not stop. I still want to, of course, but not as much as before. Some feelings tend to subside when they are one-sided.

With all this going on, I finally begin to notice a change. She just seemingly became more distant from me. It almost seemed as if she stopped trying, and that's when dread came in me. I waited a few more days, suddenly I enter a living nightmare. She, essentially, tells me it was not meant to be. And of course I had taken the most immature and illogical response I possibly could: bawl my eyes out and make deep long scars under my knees. It was an immediate reaction, and I do not regret it now. Reader, please, do not feel sympathy for me. This is not the reason I am writing. I am not writing to ridicule this woman either, and I am not writing to entertain, rather, to enlighten you and make you think and reflect.

Moving on with the story, I spend my next few days thinking nothing of her and what I did wrong, why have things come to this, horrible thoughts. Then, I slowly begin to resent her against my will. I was very close to hating her and despising every cell and breath she took. I have high doubts she felt even half as bad as I did, she may have but I see it as unlikely. She was hurt and cried a lot, of course, but the pain I had received then was as immense was the burning star we call our sun. Now I'm here, oddly content.

Oh, no I do not hate her. Earlier this very night (or morning, whatever your desire to call it), we were in the chat, and I was half-expressing hated comments. Not directed towards her but I wanted her to feel like that, but I also DIDN'T want her to feel like that. Now I definitely do not. It took a lot from me, but I finally managed myself and viewing my life from a different angle to see that it's not THAT bad. It's bad, yes, but nothing I won't get through.

After all this, my inaction of being unable to speak to her in a proper conversation, I've come to want her friendship. I myself am a believe that it is better to have not loved and not get hurt at all than to love and then experience pain, but I can't control what happens to me that others cause, and if I experience something like this I will value its teachings and lessons and learn from them. I learned a lot here, and I will go over them.

The first one and very most important is... that if you get into a relationship, value them the SECOND HIGHEST in the world (until you marry them). The reasons for this are very simple. You need someone you can talk to who won't be biased because they are your significant other – and this person needs to care about you a whole lot. If the worst ends up happening like in this situation, you can have someone to fall back to, to cry to, to bitch, complain, say anything your mind or heart desires and have them support you. You can have an anchor so your entire world doesn't get crushed. So that when the love fails to continue blooming, you can just do anything with this other person. That is the most important lesson.

The second one is that online relationships rarely ever work, at least with a great distance between the two people. If you do plan on doing online, try to keep it in at least the same state or province. If they're cross country you have a LOT of work to do and if they're on another continent you better be prepared to devote a LOT, and I mean a TON of effort into making it work. And they need to do the exact same thing. Physical contact is, obviously, a very important factor in relationships as well that I believe is something that is nearly entirely essential for a huge number of people for something like this to work. Sure, hearing their voice is nice and writing letters is cute, but not kissing or holding or touching that person for long lengths of time will sure as hell take its toll.

The third lesson here is don't ever let love get in the way of friendship. It is always better to hold someone's friendship than to just totally toss them aside like they don't matter. Hatred is an emotion that should be reserved and RARELY ever called upon. Hatred is a very powerful emotion, sometimes I believe even stronger than love, and if you ever have a true tango with it you will know how scary and controlling it can be. I was talking about friendship and got into hatred? The point is, don't hate people you can hold as friends. I am glad I learned that before it was too late, before I said something idiotic that I would regret.

Well, reader, if you got to this point I'm going to wrap it up and thank you for reading if you managed to get down this far. If you cheated and just went to the end, I will NOT share my cookies with you. I was considering starting my own project, writing essays on my life about the people that meant, and do mean, everything to me. Would you be interested in reading such things as this? If so, I'd like to know.

'til next time, anyway... bye!