Christmas Time... I can't contain my joy...

Christmas time is always hard for me. Don't get me wrong, I love the season, but for some reason, it's hard. And it seems to get harder every year.

I think it's mostly because I have a big family and there's always something huge for the whole family going on at my grandparent's house on Christmas and I usually end up going, but I'm usually the only one out of my immediate family. My brothers don't usually go. Although one did last year. He wasn't really into it though. Pretty sure he was under the influence. But he's done a lot of changing in the past year. He's seventeen now and clean and sober. I'm proud of him.

But anyway, my mom doesn't go. And I usually have to sit there alone and watch all my cousins interact with their whole families.

Also, it's hard because when I was little, Christmas was everything. We went all out and everything was Christmasy. And now we don't even get a Christmas tree. Everyone seems to be a scrooge. Except my older brother, he seems pretty excited about it this year.

I can see Christmas approaching, and I want to get excited, I want to go around singing Christmas songs and think about what to get people for gifts, and all that Christmas shit, but I feel like I'd be setting myself up for a fall.

Christmas is great and all, but I don't get too excited about it. Not anymore.

I'm gonna stop now, I just wanted to try to explain my feelings on the subject, and I didn't do a very good job of it anyway.