Grr, I'm always trying too hard.

I'm always ruining things, I strive too hard, I push too much, I put in too much effort and hope, but nothing good ever comes out of it, maybe I'm just not worth anyones time, maybe this is how I'm supposed to be, alone and scared, no one to be my superman, my hero. I feel like I'm one of those rotten apples at the bottom of the tree, like in that one poem, I used to feel like I was the good kind at the top of the tree that the boys were afraid to get to, but, now I feel like one of the easier, rotten apples on the ground that everyone picks at. I ruin things by simply being myself. Sigh. I wish things would look up & KEEP looking up, but, no, my life is like a roller coaster, it can never stay good, it always ends up bad, no matter how much effort I put in anything, it ends up bad, I think maybe nnot trying at all would do more good than anything, ha, funny, wasting my life is better than putting effort into things. I don't know what to do, am I a worthwile woman? Or am I the kind of girl no one wants unless it's just for sex? (which I don't give anyone). I'm not a slut, I know that for a fact...or, I don't THINK I am... I don't even know. The person who used to think so highly of me, now thinks I'm a slut...atleast that's how it comes off. I have no one to tell me any different, and whenever I do meet some one who would tell me differently, I push them away. I'm always pushing people away when I'm trying my hardest to keep them by me, trying my hardest not to lose them, I want to have peoeple in my life who are worth it, but anyone who is worth it, doesn't find me worth it, so I just lose them anyways... the closest people to me are either assuming I'm something that I don't think I am, or trying to hook me up with people, when I'm NOT like that. I don't just hook up, I want to fall in love if I'm going to have sex with some one, I will never do it spontaniously ever again. Maybe love just isn't for me. I'm going to stop trying from now on.
:/ Sigh...