Every time I take a personality test or something along those lines, I get an answer that has something along the lines of “powerful” and “destined for greatness” and “one of a kind” outlined in its drizzling paragraphs. This expectation taunts me every day, because life, as I know it, seems rather... mediocre. Average. Ordinary. I'm just another student in another high school in another small town. I, like everyone else around me, see myself as meant for more than the life I'm leading. Which makes me exactly like every other kid with their head in the clouds. So I live with my petty problems and trivialities.
I fall short of my expectations each and every day. Why? Because I'm not touched by destiny. I'm just another kid, struggling through school even though I'm more than smart enough for the subjects because I'm always thinking about something else. I toy around with boys and relationships and all those other things that mean nothing, biding my time and waiting for... something. Destiny. Fool's gold. That train that will never come.
I'm a firm believer in the fact that no one's as stupid as they act. If I we're as stupid as I acted sometimes I'd look at me in pity and book me a trip for the short bus. Well, maybe not that far, but I would pity me and roll my eyes. Us teens layer ourselves in thick coats of social media and other kinds of fluff as if they were a full-bodied suit of armor, but we stare out of our visors with vision as clear as day. We see what each of our actions means. We see what's happening with those around us, with our country, with our world, with our futures. We see that look of disappointment in our parents' eyes or the lie in the eyes of that person we just had sex with when they say “I love you”. We're disillusioned. We just don't want to be, so it's an unspoken rule that we won't pull the wool off each others' eyes.
Take a typical teen conversation. A typical teen girl conversation, actually. They tend to go something like this:
Girl 1: “I'M GOING ON A DATE WITH HERP-DERP”
Girl 2: “WHAAAATTT OSDFKHFWUIEHFSJFH SHIT BRO”
Girl 1: “I KNOWWW”
Girl 2: “RAWWRR WE NEED TO TALK AND HANG OUT”
Girl 1: “I KNOW I MISS YOU!!!!! RAWR!!!! I LOVE YOU!”
Girl 2: “I LOVE YOU TOO!!”
… And so on. The formula for a female conversation is simple. Basic criteria: 1) mentioning a member of the opposite sex that one or both of the females are interested in, 2) Billy Mays mode (caps lock for the Internet illiterate), 3) An excess of letters per word, 4) the use of animal noises, and 5) ending the conversation with either “I miss you” or “I love you”. Depending on the closeness of the two friends and how daring you're feeling that particular day, something with some emotional value might enter that mix, but that's the basic breakdown. What does that fluff mean, though? Here's one translation:
Girl 1: “Herp-derp has asked me to go on a date with him. I'm telling you this because I feel I need your input on if that is a good idea or not because I'm not sure if I want him right now.”
Girl 2: “I completely saw this coming.”
Girl 1: “I'm not emotionally invested enough in this whole thing to give you details at the moment so am responding with a redundant phrase.”
Girl 2: “I'm bored with this conversation and have something deeper on my mind, but I don't want to offend you or ruin your good mood.”
Girl 1: “I'm thinking about something else. I value your opinion and care about you, but don't want to be sentimental about it.”
Girl 2: “I'm giving the required response, irrelevant of if I reciprocate or not.”
If you think that's sad, you should listen to a typical conversation between two flirting high school students. Pure fluff. Very little real emotion. Well, besides the required blend of admiration, sexual impulses, flattery, and egotism of course. We live in a world of fluff, which is strange because that's not the way we think. We're each screaming for something real, occasionally colliding with it, but it slips through our fingers before we can take hold. Yet, although each of us is very much real, we censor ourselves because that's what's expected of us.
Ever wonder why you can never forget your first love or your first best friend? Because chances are, that's one of the most real things you've ever experienced. You're not with someone you can fall in love with until you find yourself up late at night talking to them about your life and how you really feel, sharing information with them that you'd gut yourself before sharing with your other friends – a rarer occurrence than the movies make it out to be. Problem? Most of these fail, too, which reinforces even more that we have to stay buried in our fluffy armor.
I'm not touched by destiny. Or maybe I am, along with so many others, just in a world that destiny has forgotten. I, like you, just want something real. Not to feel so alone in this big, wide world. To make a connection and be able to hold on for once.
Hey there. Do you want to just talk to me?
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