How do you know you're depressed?

This is how you know you're depressed:

When your heart feels like it HAS to eat itself and end the pain for you or else you'll go insane.

When you feel a scream of torture in your throat, aching to come out, but you hold it in because you're afraid someone will call the cops on you next door.

When the depression attack is right there, on the edge of you, and you just sit there hopelessly, not fending it away because you KNOW who will win THAT war...

When your depression attacks are so bad that you feel like your going to suffocate even though your breathing faster than usual, when you can't stand not to be in fatal position a.k.a all curled up on your bed because if you aren't then the depression attack kills you for it.

When you just burst out crying hopelessly, and no one else cares about it.

When you sit there, starring at knifes meant for chopping vegitables in the kitchen, wondering if you should just slit your wrist right now and end it all.

When everything potentually dangerous you pass, you end of thinking about ways you can commit suicide with it.

When you get really scared, then once you've recovered your like "d*mn it, i'm still alive"

When you're absolutely SURPRISED out of your MIND when you go three days without being depressed.

When someone smiles at you, you get that depression jab in your gut and think "the h*ll is he so happy about? This world is an endless misery and theres nothing to be happy about in it period."

When you realize there isn't a God sending you to heaven, because you have already been on Earth once and now you're in h*ll for doing whatever it is you did wrong.

When you day dream for hours of something beautiful, peaceful, healing or paradise-like, and realize it'll never come to you.

When you try your very best to be happy, and you can only produce about a few hours sometimes of legit happyness until it all comes back and bites you 7 times harder than before.

When your fragile, undependable, weak, unsturdy, broken and so very dependant on one thing that keeps you living.

When that one thing that keeps you living, you know you have it-- all us little depressed emo's have something we seriously live off of- when that one thing or person turns away from you and your left with nothing.

When you sit there pondering nearly every day that something MUST be mentally wrong with you.

When your emotionally, spiritially, mentally and physically drained all at the same time 24/7

When you look back when you were younger, when you were so happy, bubbly and sweet and realize the innocence just kind of turned into the devil on you.

When you tell people how depressed you are and they tell you "you do that to yourself" "you're just looking for attention" "you don't know how wrong you are" "people out there are way worse than you..." and its like "LOL you pretend like you understand." and then realize you're basically on your own... because no one else GETS it, they don't GET it that you can't just go POOF ay, i'm healed, i'm happy again! No...

When you over eat because of depression. When you starve yourself because of depression. I do both.

When happiness just kind of kills you, when everything kills you because everything tries to look happy for you.

When the sun makes your skin crawl. I don't want the happy bright yellow sun, i want clouds, rain, night and darkness. that fits so much better.

When you sit there and look at the world, the blood, the depression, the wars, then look at how people see it- a happy little world be thrive off of. And then wow, this world is so clueless, we thrive off of death. Woohoo.

When no one gives you sympathy and suddenly you're all hurt because you're fragile like that.

When you sit there and give your best friend 500 sob stories daily, knowing how much it hurts her but also knowing... d*mn i have NO ONE ELSE to turn to, so sorry, you're going to half to suffer, the one i hate to see suffering.

When you can't pull off a smile. at all. You used to so you could fake it to every one else but now, screw it, i don't care anymore.

When you become so isolated with your own insecurities that you block everyone else trying to help you thinking they'll backstab you in the end, and block out every potential someone helping you knowing that won't be long. You CAN'T live off of someone, never, you'll get hurt in the end, ALWAYS...

When every song on your music playlist is heart-breaking, and people listen to it and are like "huh? why is this so depressing?" and you just kind of laugh diabolically at their low-intelligence levels.

When sad music, just sad music, not crazy hardcore metal head-banger music, just slow and steady really sad music that makes you want to cry, soothes you like nothing else. And you listen to it daily, just like "wow, this is MY music here."

When a song is something like "and then i died, tears in my eyes, bloody and scared, i died hard." is something you're like "hey, it's me in the future selling a song in the present day about my life!"

When you're positive you're insane. When you look around on the internet from depression symptoms you seem to harness and become convinced on about 10 mental illnesses that you have them.

When you're utterly hopeless. UTTERLY HOPELESS. that last bit of hope you were desperate on? Just vanished. if you're depressed, you know what i mean.

When nothing fills that hole in your heart, nothing.

When you look up 'depression' on the internet and search desperately for cures. and you get shiz like "talk about it to someone close to you" when you have no one close to you and the feeling is just like " FUUUUUU*K this sh*t, f*ck this d*mn world"

When it takes you hours to get out of bed because you just can't find the mental or physical energy to go on with what you have.

When you need to tell someone about how you feel and come up short with how many people will actually care instead of blowing it off or loooking at it differently than you.

When you feel in a real good mood to get a piece of paper and write "f*ck me, f*ck me, f*ck me, f*ck me. I hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself. I'm ugly. i'm ugly, i'm ugly. i'm ugly. no one wants me. no one wants me. no one wants me. no one wants me" as many times as possible on it.

When you just want to break down and realize you're in a public place.

When you see all these happy folks around you and you're like "No one gets me."

When your list of people you hate is reaching its top compacity.

When arrogant people get in your face at school or work and it's like "stfu, i don't need to deal with you. i'm just here to make a living, not for my health, no bug off worm."

Ugh, when you hate every body you meet right off the bat because they're too smiley.

When people tell you "_____ isn't healthy..." in a pissed off manner and you're just like "Not healthy? does it look like my life choices are HEALTHY to you..?! Why break the cycle, come on."

When you realize absolutely no one cares about you, and realize how ignorant you are...

When holidays liek Christmas are WAY to cheery for you. you're basically the screwg.

When you eat chocolate and every bite you take you think "it's not working- its not working! my depression isn't going down at all... maybe i haven't eaten enough."

When everyone who USED to care, don't care any longer because they're fed up with you're depression act.

When you're constantly paranoid, constantly worried someones talking behind your back, constantly on edge thinking "it's all ganna crack any second... all of it"

This journal is way too long, i have more but i'll stop here.... for those little amount f people who read the whole thing, comments are appreciated. Thanks..