So, here I am. I feel emotionally drained, and I’m so, so tired, and I just want to sleep. But, I thought it would be important to note that I went to see a psychiatrist for the first time today. I was extremely nervous, but it’s good. I know it’s good, even if all of it doesn’t feel good now.
It’s just I’m so not used to really expressing how I feel. I think I have everyone fooled into thinking that I do. Like, I think it appears that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but it’s hard to say for sure. I’m just not sure how I feel about anything. And while talking with the psychiatrist, she said I’m resilient, and the thing is, I feel anything but.
It’s like Emma said on Glee, I’m not sure I want to lay on a couch and tell some stranger all of my secrets. I mean, it was the first time I ever admitted out loud that I’ve contemplated suicide, which strangely enough wasn’t as hard to admit as I thought it would be. There’s still some stuff I don’t think I’m ready to admit out loud, and there’s still some secrets that I think I’ll always keep(like reading fan fiction). But I think if I admit all the dark stuff, and all of the things that are hard to deal with, that should be good for now.
My plans on coming out are shot at the moment. I had a schedule of when to come out to everyone, but now that I’m home, those plans are thrown out of whack. I don’t know if it would be good to let a psychiatrist in on the fact that I like girls; that I’m sexually attracted to girls in the same way that I feel about guys. My life is a mess, and I’m a total mess. It’s just so hard to deal with all of this, and admit all these things out loud.
It’s embarrassing that I let this continue on for so long, and that I let it get this bad. And I know it’s the best decision for me right now to take some time off from school, and to live at home for a while. It’s just, this is not the person who I planned on being. I wanted to be the strong independent girl that could do it all on her own. I wanted to get the grades I know I’m capable. I wanted to graduate at 21, and either go into the work force or get a masters. I wanted to keep all the scholarships (that I feel like I never even earned in the first place) and not have so much trouble trying to bring myself to do work, and not have so much difficulty focusing on things.
And the psychiatrist said that I’m resilient and it’s nice to hear, but I just feel like if she really had witnessed how I’ve dealt with all of this, and how lazy I’ve been, and how much I’ve avoided doing things, and dealing with things, she’d realize that I’m not as strong as she thinks, or as tough as my parents think I am. I can’t really explain to anyone that I don’t feel like I’m as strong as everyone thinks I am.
I’m not sure if I’m strong enough, or ambitious enough to really work through all of this. And I want to, but that’s the main thing about depression for me, that I want to do all these things, but I can’t find the motivation to do them.
My parents are so supportive, and I feel guilty for feeling depressed because I have a pretty great life. For the most part, I’ve done a decent job of surrounding myself with good people. It’s like I have all these great things in my life, and I should feel happy. And it’s not like I’m constantly in this dark place, but it’s the place I keep going back to.
I just feel guilty for feeling this way. And I know my mom blames herself, and I think my dad does somewhat too. And it’s just so hard to talk about all the bad things. For once, it feels like time is moving so slowly, and the days are really long.
I just feel so vulnerable right now, and ever since I had my break down last Friday, it’s like the dam broke, and I keep having these random urges to cry that I’ve never had before.
I’ve been listening to Ed Sheeran, and repeated listens to a song about a prostitute and another about a miscarriage are somehow really comforting. Also, Cath by Death Cab for Cutie. Maybe it’s the mood of the songs, I don’t know. There’s so much I’m unsure about.
I just want to be strong enough to deal with all of this. I firmly believe it’s always better to deal with things than to run away from them. Maybe it’s okay to be lost for a while. I’m so so tired though, right now, so for now, sleep will hopefully help.
Goodnight,
Gillian
Not registered?
Create an account