Obligatory Depressing Holiday Post

This season I think about my extended immediate family. I know, that sounds weird right? Well not if you knew how I grew up. I come from a broken home and all of my siblings and my biological father lived elsewhere when I was growing up. I saw my siblings once a year, and didn't realize that I had a half brother (who is very sweet, btw) until I was probably around nine or 10. My siblings never talked about my father, and my mother and grandparents didn't talk about him in front of me even when asking the other kids when they were around about him. So, it didn't occur to me until I was around nine or 10 that I had a living father. This might have been helped along by a conversation I had with my grandfather when I was very small, where I noticed other kids had fathers (and this might have also been prompted by a cousin who was feeling mean that day) and I did not. Not like those kids. And, I was upset and sitting alone outside and my grandfather asked me what was wrong. I asked about why I didn't have a daddy like the other kids, and he said I had one. He was my daddy. After that I always called him Daddy and that was the end of wondering for me. It was good enough for me.

But, either way, as a result of being estranged from the rest of my family since birth, we are a lot like strangers to each other. I feel like they don't really think I'm part of their family. I don't need to be told when people are so sick they might die or that they're hospitalized. I don't need to be told when someone gets married or moves to a different state or becomes pregnant or when nieces/nephews are born. Wishing me well during holidays or my birthday is, at best, just a cursory obligation because I am technically a biological sister but not that important. Like knowing that your cousin who you haven't seen for years and didn't really know well growing up probably will be expecting a card from you so you send one just to be polite.

It upsets me, but I don't feel as if I can say it. My mother would feel irritated and perhaps even betrayed that she is not enough, or as if I'm blaming her for it if I say it out loud here. My brothers and sisters might also be offended if I mention it on Facebook. I don't think they follow my blogs, though, so I suppose I can say it here and on Blogger.

I want to get to know them now that we're all adults, but it's not easy living in so many different places and me being so damn limited all the damn time. And, I don't even know if they want to get to know me. Maybe they don't, and if they don't I can't really say as I blame them. Not everyone wants to reconnect with a relative they don't even know that well. Being a sister instead of a cousin of some kind doesn't really make a difference, it's still the same concept.

I regret that I'll probably never be able to be close with them the way that they're all close with each other. I wonder if they ever think about that and regret it, too. Kevin once told me that the girls feel resentful toward me because I was the one who stayed with Mom. But, that wasn't my fault or my choice. I was a newborn when our parents split up. I had to fight tooth and nail just to get them to let me go visit for a couple of weeks. And, I was never sure the whole time I was down there each time whether I was actually wanted there. And that wasn't their fault, either, none of us probably really knew how to handle that weird situation.

I don't know. I just know that there are many reasons that the holidays, no matter which month the holiday falls on, are depressing to me. This is one of those reasons. A large one, in fact. But, I don't think there's much that can be done about it at this point. People like to say it's never too late, but that's just trite and cliche. There is such a thing as too late. I think that it's at that point now with us all.

Having a relationship with your siblings and BOTH of your parents is for other people. Not for me. Circumstances prevented it and at this point I don't think any of them really want anything to do with me. And, I can't blame them. It's just how it all worked out. Sad but true.