Hurts Like Heaven (My story on why help is alright)

Shocker. I'm not perfect. I've been hiding behind a whole mask my entire life.

Everyone I care about thinks I'm going to kill myself. Sorry guys, but I'm definitely not. I love life no matter how much bullshit it gives me. I was given life to endure pain like this and walk out with a smile upon my face to show everyone that anything is possible.

I've never hurt myself and I am very against it because everyone should love theirselves and not want to hurt themselves. Yes, things can get very hard. Believe me. I spent Christmas in the hospital because people thought my emotions and thoughts were going to kill me, and I thought they would too.

Sixteen years, I have dealt with an alcoholic mother, no father around, and being qualified as "poor".

I've dealt with losing my grandmother who has basically raised me and been my only sign of hope.

I've lost my best dog friend, Jake, who I turned to after my grandma died.

Now, I fear I have very little to work with. But God has given me one thing. My best friend, Megan Hough. She is one of the only things that brings my spirits up and tells me it's not okay to feel like I am responsible for everything. She reminds me life always has it's bumps in the road. She reminds me that help is something everyone should be willing to get.

Her and her mom are the ones that brought me to the hospital on Christmas Eve. Yes, it ended up with me being deemed as a suicide attempter. Yes, it resulted in me being taken away from my mom. Yes, it made me realize I have dealt with much more than I needed to. Yes, it made me feel weak and as if I've let my twelve year old brother down.

But it also made me believe in miracles in the worst of situations. God gave me Megan to fix my life completely. I never realized it, but my family and I do need help. I can't keep living like this. It will kill me. It won't make me kill myself, but it'll kill me from the inside out. Too much stress. Too many emotions. Sixteen years of it building up inside of me. It's about time to let it all out. And Megan has granted me the opportunity to do so.

Tomorrow, I go to a counselor. I will see my mother for the first time in four days. Needless to say, she did not show up at the hospital when I was admitted because she was drunk.

Tomorrow, I get to release everything inside of me to a man I have never met. To some, it may seem iffy or scary. To me, I see it as an opportunity to start my life over.

Megan and my brother will be by my side through it all. I will do everything in my power to help my mom get better. She needs to. Or else she'll lose her two children, and we're all she has left. I won't let that happen.

But I also need to help myself before I go crazy. I'm doing this for everyone in my life. It's happening so that everything will go back together like it should.

I did not get anything special for Christmas, seeing as I was in the hospital. I didn't get much. But I realized something.

You have to think about how much you mean to other people. You have to help yourself so that the people that love you will be better by knowing you are healthy and happy. I haven't been healthy or happy since God only knows when.

But my Christmas gift was knowing I had a best friend that would do anything for me. I will never see her as the same person. She isnt my best friend.

She is my saviour. She is my hope. She is everything I love about life. Without her, I'd be rediculously lonely and be in an even bigger mess in my life. She was given to me for a reason. And that reason was so I could make it through life with someone by my side at all times.

Moral of the story: If you need help, get it. Don't be afraid of what will happen. If you need help, get as much as you can when you need it. Resist the temptation to think of yourself as useless. It will only lead to depression. Find your own ways of being and feeling useful. Know that your friends and family may see you as less incapacitated than you are because they want you to be better. They have this need because they care about you. Accept this, while trying to convey your current reality without imposing it on them.

And lastly, you are beautiful inside and out. There will always be someone in your life that thinks so and when you are in a tough situation, they just want to help you and make you feel better. If you can't find that person around you, I'm sorry. That's because I am that person. If you ever need something, I am free to talk to. Know that. I promise you, someone will always be there for you.

Love life and love each other.
December 27th, 2011 at 12:45am