I've been thinking. I really don't have friends, my mask does. The girl who goes to school with a smile. No ones knows my smile is fake. No one knows I'm acting dumb so no one figures out that studying is basically my best friend.I've been acting like nothings wrong with me all school year. My friend doesn't like me, she like My mask. My boyfriend doesn't love me, he loves my mask.
No matter what I do, the mask comes on when I'm not alone. Once I'm alone, The smile fades and a laugh isn't herd. My voice isn't used. I wish I could just take it off, but I've been someone I'm not for to long. I think she's becoming me. This mask, Is taking over me.She gives me freedom, then she snaps right back on when I finally think I can go through a day just being the real quite, unhappy girl I am.
The more I try, the harder it gets. I'm so unhappy with who I am. No one knows how much I hate myself. How much I wish I could be the person people think I'm am. No one actually loves me. They don't love me. They love my mask.
I can't even look at my reflection anymore. A few days ago, when I woke up, I screamed when I woke up. I had a terrible dream that night and when I woke up, I saw my reflection. Sentences about how I was supposedly "Lovely" started rushing through my head. All the times people said I looked LOVELY. All the times people said I was a LOVELY person. All the times that people commented on how LOVELY my clothes were. I hate that word so much. I'm not a centimeter close to "Lovely". I'm all the way back to "Unwanted". I ran to the mirror and screamed at it as I punched it. The pieces were flying in my hands and wrist. I remember hitting it intill I couldn't see one inch of my reflection in it.
When I think of myself, I think of painted glass. A beautiful blue rose in the center with bumble bee's around it. A wonderful site to be seen. But, I then think of how much If I was that picture, how many pieces would be missing. How many cracks it would have. How faded it would be. And it makes me a little happy. Because it reminds me, that it always wasn't THIS bad.
Maybe someday, My beautiful painted glass will look as beautiful as it once did.