There's hardly anything left of me, Mibba, but I have this undeniable feeling that someday things will change. I hope.

I don't even know where to begin, guys.

This journal is a long time coming, and though my mind is swirling with thoughts, feelings, desires, and other junk, I seem to be unable to adequately convey my feelings to you via words. So many words, so little time. Lately I have noticed a change in me that hasn't been for better or for worse. It's just...a mind altercation, if you will. Never in my life have I missed the past so much. On the other hand, I can't recall a time in my past when I was as desperate to feel that I have a future as I am now. Two different sets of emotions are battling here.

Now that I am in college, everything around me seems to be passing by and changing so fast. It's already been almost seven months since I got my high school diploma. I simply cannot believe it has been that long. Usually time passes quickly when you get absorbed into something, like a hardcore hobby, goal, or project. Me? I've been alternating between caring for a sick fiance, working, going to school, and sitting on my @$$. That is literally all I have done. I haven't accomplished anything, haven't done anything new, haven't even had any real fun or experienced your typical 'college experience'. I haven't met any of my goals, I haven't improved any of my skills. Nothing. Absolutely f*cking nothing.

That said, I'm scared, Mibba. I'm already almost 19 and I feel as if life is just entirely passing me by. I have so many places I want to go and so many things I want to do, but I am being held back. By what, you ask? Finances, circumstance, lack of support, and my fiance. I hate to place any of the blame on him, but he is holding me back. I'm unhappy, but I could never leave him. He didn't choose to get cancer, nor did he choose for the previous treatments to fail. It wouldn't be fair to leave him because of that, but for as long as he is sick, which could be years, I am stuck here. Absolutely stuck in this good for nothing, god forsaken patch of land that has brought me nothing but boredom, depression, and struggle.

I want to go out and do things. I want to spend my time in big cities. I want the lights, the entertainment, the diversity, and the daily uncertainty. I want to make a difference, and I want to make a statement. I want the world to know who I am before I fade into the landscape like everybody else.

I don't want to die without becoming who I've always wanted to be first.

I work at a pizza joint/grocery store combo building, and every time I see a middle aged woman come in with her kids to get pizza I can't help but think to myself,

"Is she really happy with her life right now, with what she has become? When she was my age, did she think that 25 years down the road she'd be lugging a bunch of kids down the isles of a sh*tty grocery store in the middle of bum f*ck nowhere, Michigan?"

I don't want my prime years to escape me before I even notice they're here, Mibba. What do I do? I am so terrified of dying after living an average life filled with unfulfilled potential.