this is for me, for once.

What the fuck do I need? I feel like the only one that can help me is some experienced psycho-analyst who can help me tap into the deepest corners of my subconscious, or whatever that shit entails. I wish I could be there, I wish I could unlock the secrets to myself, because if I don't do it soon then it'll all end up coming out in the worst way possible, and I feel that once it does, I'll hurt myself and everyone else in ways beyond imagination. Myself, mostly. My paranoid, wrecked, selfish self. I'm doing it right now, by keeping whatever it is bottled up inside me. As of this moment, I feel vulnerable. I feel like my family can see through me completely, like they know who I am, and whenever I do something that hints as such I become defensive, I blush, I turn away and treat them like absolute shit. I'm shutting myself off to the very people whom I should feel the most emotionally attached to just because they're able to see me and probably know more about me than I do. They tease me. They make me feel emotionally insecure and physically uncomfortable with their words. I just finished reading a book today - started and finished - that made me feel so detached from the world, that made me think so much, it caused my behavior toward my mother to drop to horrid levels and so, as a result, she took the mouse away from the computer, for the millionth time in the past few weeks, leaving me with extremely limited uses since I have no idea how to use a computer without a mouse. As a result, for the millionth time, I had to go up to her, begging her for the mouse and having to endure her taking advantage of this power she so clearly loves having over me. I feel immature every time it happens, like a child. And I tell her she acts like one when she does things I deem childish. I must be the real child. When she takes the mouse away and I'm asking for it back I feel pathetic, weak, vulnerable, like every inch of who I am is exposed and clear for her to see. I don't want that happening. I don't want her, or anyone to see, not until I myself know what it is. With my father, it's nothing but chaos. Since the man is made of stone about everything in general, that leads me to be made of stone when it comes to anything about him. He did not greet me or wish me a happy birthday when it was my birthday, he didn't get me a card or gift or even a thought, instead I got him yelling at me to take the dog out which he still yells at me to do every morning and night no matter where I am in the fucking city. My father is out of the question. With him, what I feel I need is time away. With my friends, I feel safe, I feel happy, because these darkest corners of myself are hidden and none can see through. But when my family is involved, I can't take it, I rush to get out of there. I see others having great relationships with their families, I see my sisters and cousins going out to party without me because I'm so detached from them, people who have great relationships with their parents and are able to hug them and kiss them and spend time with them and be comfortable around them - and I become jealous, because clearly something about me is causing a distance between myself and them. I wish it wasn't there. And so the question is raised again; what the fuck do I need? For now, I need to know what goes on in my mind. I feel like I'm so detached from everyone else that I'm detached from myself as well.