Alright. So I’m not okay. Which is normally pretty common for me but lately it’s been taken to a new level. I never thought I knew real depression till now. I have been through quite a bit and it came with its fits of depression but this was different. I mean, I’ve been stupid in my past and tried to kill myself but for some reason I cant. Apparently I’m stuck here for some purpose I don’t know nor care at this point but this time I really thought if I went through with it that this time I’d get it right. I was alone and no one could stop me this time. But I didn’t. I didn’t cut, but that might be because I don’t have anything sharper then a butter knife but at the same time I did end up with am arm full of scratches from a plastic case that had my new headphones. It’s so had to open those pieces of shit. Anyways, let’s just celebrate the fact that right now I’m over the suicidal attempts for right now I think.
Anyways, let’s talk about what’s brought on this new level of depression.
People keep telling me that losing a parent is never easy and its not. Especially since my mom was the only parent I have ever had and is my only blood relative or was. She passed away on the 14th but I can’t tell if it feels like two days or two centuries. Septic shock is what they called it. A massive infection in her thigh finally made it into her bloodstream and was massive. It ate away her tissue in her and started to destroy her femur. Go figure. I called it and no one listened to me. I TOLD the ER that this was serious and they shoved me away like I was some stupid kid when I’ve had more medical classes then most of the people working in the damn ER department. It’s very aggravating because it was their fault. Their fault that they didn’t find this sooner seeming the fact it was so fucking obvious and as a result I lost my mother.
THE FUCKING ABSCESS WAS THE SIZE OF A SOFTBALL DAMN IT! UGH! It bugs me that they didn’t pick up on it. I mean the fucking Ultrasound girl even said that there was major fluid collection and the ER guys were like, “oh, I don’t know that that is. Must not be anything. She’s just got mild cellulitis.” Mild? MILD? HOW THE HELL IS SOMETHING THE SIZE OF A FUCKING SOFTBALL MILD? I mean fuck, she had another abscess last year that went undiagnosed till after it ruptured! I TOLD THEM FOR MONTHS that they needed to do something with this growing lump that was coming out of her and again, no one listen to me.
This time they hospital is going to fucking pay.
Because I’m not going to let this happen to someone else. I lost my mom, my everything, because of these people. They need to tight up on their work. I mean, you sit in their ER and the workers are too busy complaining about getting off work and who slept with who last night that the patient just around the corner who asked for ice chips 20 minutes ago is now suffering even more. You think I’m kidding? Go and watch. It’s fucking horrible and sickening. It’s the most corrupt place I have even been to. I mean I’ve worked at other hospitals and nothing was as bad as this.
It’s heartbreaking because my mom feared the ER because of all the past times they treated her like crap. I mean, two weeks before she died they shoved her in an old storage room that they were calling a room. It didn’t have any medical equipment. Just bare walls I shit you not. Room 14. My mom was afraid of a god damn hospital. That’s not right.
But I guess mom isn’t suffering anymore so that is the good thing in all of this. She was really getting upset in the end because she knew I couldn’t do it anymore. It was just hard for me to see such a strong woman at her weakest. I mean, sure she was disabled but she was so fiery. She had this fight in her that I’ll never have. And it kills me that she was taken so soon. She won’t see me become this neurosurgeon, if that’s what I want anymore, she won’t get to see me get married(I know have no one to walk me down the isle lol), she won’t see me have kids if I choose so. It sucks, I’m going to change the world and I won’t be able to have her here with me. And it hurts so much that she won’t be there next to me. I know I made her proud and her goal in life was to see me graduate high school and she saw that but I wanted more. I feel selfish for wanting so much more with her but that’s so normal. Everyone wants their parents as some point.
Which brings me to another point.
Everyone is calling me strong and telling me I’m taking this so well. That I’m filled with this courage to keep moving forward no matter what but I don’t see it. I’m a scared child. I may be eighteen but I grew up alone with a sick mom in the hospital most of the time. I’m the most socially awkward person because I never knew how to act around my age group. I always do better with adults then kids and teenagers. That’s how it’s always been and it sucks. I’m grown up in some ways and others I’m still this little shy kid that is so afraid of the world. I’ve been screwed over in the past and this shyness in a sense doesn’t make it any easier. I’m so afraid of my life and I hate it.
There is this huge part of me that just wants to cry and scream and give up but I can’t. It would just get worse if I did give up so I keep moving even though I spend my nights crying my eyes out and it feels like my whole body is being ripped inside out from the pain. It hurts more the words could ever describe. I’m a weak, pathetic, scared child. Nothing more. I feel so alone in this even though I have all this support. I know I’m not alone but yet, those horrible feelings make it such a hell for me. I want to be strong, I really do but I know I’m not and I wish people could see that and stop telling me I’m strong.
I just want to curl up into a ball in die from all the stress. It’s too much for me.
I mean, I had to deal with her cremation shit and all the legal shit. I didn’t even know what the fuck I was really doing and I still don’t. I don’t think I’ll ever get it because its too complicated for me. It’s all hitting me so fast I can’t even keep up. I have no room to breathe and now I have to find a job and keep my roof above me. I mean, I’m short this month and I haven’t had a job since my freshman year of high school. I have to try to pay my electric bill AND my phone bill. Ha. Im so screwed and I can’t even do anything.
But I have my renter’s insurance. Ain’t that something?
I’m so fucking screwed, I’m in agony and I think about killing myself every night before I go to bed.
What a fucking life.
And I end with:
Ben Harmon: I’m a total fraud. And by the way therapy doesn’t work.
Tate Langdon: Doesn’t work? Then why do people do it?
Ben Harmon: Because they don’t want to take any responsibility for their crappy lives. So they pay a therapist to listen to their bullshit and make it all feel special. So they can blame their crazy mothers for everything that went wrong. Sound familiar? It’s a great racket too. Week after week, month after month, year after year we collect checks but deep down we know it doesn’t work.
Because it makes me feel better….ish
