Phobia

I'm the type of person that likes to boast that I'm not afraid of anything. I like to quote, "There's nothing to fear but fear itself," by FDR but I'm a liar. I am afraid and I feel fear because I'm human. There's tiny fears I have like arachnid-phobia and its not because I'm afraid those little eight legged insects are going to bite my head off. Its more about creepiness and how their eyes seem to follow your every move. It makes me shiver just thinking about but I'm not afraid to grab a cup and a piece of paper and scoop it up and throw it outside.

I don't scare easily and if I do I don't show it. I love watching horror movies and going to haunted houses.The feeling of being vulnerable or worthless is not what I'm afraid of. I guess, when I really think about it, what I'm really afraid of is going to hell.

Yeah I said it. I'm afraid of eternal damnation and being tortured for the rest of eternity. I can handle a broken leg or cramps every month or so but pain and torture for eternity is not my cup of tea. I try not to think about it so much but the thought is always there in the back of my mind and I also think the fact that I watched Paranormal Activity and The Exorcist about a dozen times doesn't help much with this fear.

Its frightening you know, demons and Satan, and sometimes, when everything is peaceful, I'll read my bible, which calms my nerves. I think my bible is my only medicine when it comes to my fear, but the thought sure likes to creep up on me sometime.

Some people may think that the church creates this fear in order to get believers but I'm a believer no matter what the church says. Its not about seeing is believing with me because there's some things in this world that can't be explained. Some may ask how I even know that God is real and I simply answer with a I just know. Its not something you have to see to believe but something you have to feel. I felt Him one day and...it was amazing. I felt like my heart was lifting and was being smothered with warmth.

I fear Him, I'm a God fearing woman, but I love Him and He loves me. Some people may not understand but I think if you just ask if He's real, and I mean really ask, than He'll answer you. But it can't be something that you just want to try just to see if a booming voice will answer you than go out to prove He's fake. You have to truly believe He will answer. You have to believe.

I know there's a heaven and I know there's a Hell and I know there's a God and I know there's a Devil. I'm just afraid that I might not make it into the place my heart most desires to go. I'm afraid that my sins were to great and I'll be left to be punished by unmerciful demons. I'm afraid I might go to hell, because if you read anything on Hell or seen pictures or paintings from what human have come up with....it doesn't seem like a very nice place to spend all eternity.