The day started out great. My birthday presents were great and they both loved the song. My sisters and brothers took Anna out to watch some fireworks and me and Eden finally got some alone time.
That's not the important part though. I had to take them both home today and it was way harder than it normally fucking is. Maybe it's because I spent so much extra time with them. Maybe it's the song I sang to them or maybe it's because of the fucking resolution my almost two year old daughter told me.
When we went around telling our resolutions we were going to skip Anna, but she said she wanted to be a big girl. When i asked her what her resolution was she said, and I quote, 'I'm going to be a good girl so I can see my daddy more often and he won't fight with mommy.' Except she said it in her cute little two year old speech. But either way that fucking broke my heart.
I know I'm not fucking perfect and I know I can't see my daughter as much as I should. I know I need to stop blowing up about the small little things and have to stop blaming Eden when she tries to calm me down. I know I'm a dick. I'm trying to change and she said she'll help me. I believe her.
But it's so fucking hard to watch Annabel cry! And knowing that it's mostly my fault that she's crying! I had to drop them off today and she wouldn't let go of me until Eden pried her away, kissed me goodbye and closed the door. And for those of you who don't have a child, seeing them cry tears you up worse than anything else. Especially when you know you are part of the cause. I've had broken bones less painful than watching her cry.
Plus I called her tonight to say good night and she started crying. But before Eden hung up, my little Annabel said 'I love lou daddl.' And this house is too damn quiet by myself but if I have friends over right now or I go out I know I'm gonna get wasted and I know I'm going to do something I'll end up regretting. I don't want to be the same dick that I was in high school but I don't know what to do right now!
Maybe I'm blowing this all out of fucking proportion. I mean I've never had a kid before and I don't know if this is normal. All I know is that it's to quiet, I'm this fucking close to leaving and I don't know what to do. The only thing I know right now is that I want to my daughter to know she is safe and that I love her more than anything (save for maybe Eden) in this whole world.
If anyone's got any advice or just some shit to say to take my mind of this i'd appreciate it. If you're not into cussing then i'm sorry about it. kinda
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