It hurts to live without someone you love, especially when you can't apologize.

So it's about 1:30am and I can't sleep because this is on my mind, and it's getting pretty obnoxious because this has been going on for a very long time. You're probably confused on what I'm talking about, let me tell you the story.

So lets rewind about 3 years. I was in class, just sitting there doing my average thing, keeping my eye on this boy named Tyler I liked, who was actually held back one year. He wasn't really the brightest kid, or the nicest to a lot of people. He was held back a year (maybe two? I'm not quite sure anymore it's been so long) and he was in juvie (a jail for people under 18) once before. He had it pretty rough at home, his dad was gone and his mom was an alcohlic and a drug addict so he didn't have really anyone to turn to. He started smoking weed in the 6th grade. He was kind of an outcast to some people because of all that.

My best friend at the time, Maddie, had dated him twice. It was on, then it was off, then it was on again, and then finally they just decided to be friends. They seemed to be happy around each other. Sometimes I got jealous, but didn't say anything because I had a secret crush on this guy. I talked to him often, we we're friends for awhile.

He left our school the year after I met him. He was going to go live with his grandparents in Florida for a year. The school still talked about him, and for the moments when he was gone in Florida, they had me agreeing with the rumors that were started about him. When he was gone, i started fitting in more, and soon I started hanging out with the popular girls are some people call them.

The first day of school the next year is when he came back from Florida. I was talking to my group of friends, and the subject happened to be about him. I was trying to act cool and I said "Yeah, I heard that Tyler kid is back, what a tool. I wish he would have stayed in Florida, no one wants him here" and my friends got quiet, and I realized he was behind me, and heard everything I said.

I think that was the point where things went down hill for me. I would see him in class everyday, but we wouldn't talk like we were friends. I tried to avoid him sometimes, because I was so embarassed of what I said. But the funny thing is I never apologized, which looking back was so stupid and childish.

One day in History class, he got into a fight. We has a substitute teacher so things we're always out of hand. Someone made a wise crack about his dad (who I told you before was gone) and Tyler beat him until he was almost unconscious. He would have done more damage probably if two girls hadn't found the sub teacher in the hallway.

Thats when the sub escorted him to the principals office. When he was walking out the classroom doors was the last time I ever saw him. And if I remember right, I swear he looked right at me before he walked out that door. I wasn't worried, because I didn't understand how serious this all was.

It ended up he had to go to juvie again for another year because of how brutally he beat the kid, and after that he got out he was expelled from our school, so he had to go to school in one town over from ours. I used to hope I'd catch him walking around town one day, but I never did.

Another year went on, and here I am. I ended up moving two hours away from there. I know chances are I'll never get to see Tyler again. I don't know where he is anymore, I don't have any contact with him. I worry about him honestly. I wonder if he's even alive now because of all the things he used to do. I pray to god he changed.

And the thing I regret most of all is not apologizing to him about the things I said, it's crazy in one moment you can say a sentance that changes everything. I miss him. And I still love him.

I needed to share that. Thank you for bearing with me. It's been on my mind for as long as I can remember, because I'd kill to see him again. If I could just see him one more time, I'd tell him how sorry I still am and I'd give him the biggest hug man has ever seen. Well sorry about that long thing. Thanks for reading I guess.