This is Why I Hate You.

I am a girl and I have my raging hormonal tendencies that you’ll have to forgive me for eventually. And upon watching the new Jennamarbles video this sexual Wednesday, I’ve realized how much I really hate this girl in my English class.

But hang with me here, I have to get this out.

First of all, I want you to know that I don’t actually hate anybody. No one in my lifetime has done anything to me that makes me wish terrible things upon them. I’m just not the type of person that hopes someone legitemately will fall down a well, because while that would totally ruin their day (and make me laugh), it would probably maime them somehow (still funny figuratively, but in reality I’d feel all sorts of guilty). So I don’t hate anyone, but saying that I hate someone is so much easier to say than “strongly dislike” or “just the mention of his/her name makes me convulse with pure annoyance and disgust to the point where I might even throw up and at the very least leave the room.” Just making this clear.

So let’s call this girl Macy. …No, I actually like the name Macy. Let’s call her Gertrude, because that name is just about the perfect way to sum up how I feel about her (no offense to anyone named Gertrude….), basically that I hate her. Just the mention of her name makes me convulse with pure annoyance and disgust to the point where I might even throw up and at the very least leave the room.

And you know why? I’ll tell ya.

Gertrude and I have a lot in common. We both adore art. We love a broad selection of music. We both seem to have a fascination with filmmaking and expirimentation with it.

We should be best friends, right? Wrong. Because while we both have similar personalities and hobbies, Gertrude does everything I do ten times better. And everyone loves her for it. Gertrude is everything I am and then some; she wears the clothes I would love to own if I had more money. She can actually pull off smoky eyes, has long fingernails, and lots of friends. And she’s more or less friendly to me and everyone else. Again, Gertrude hasn’t ever done anything to make me hate her except for EXISTING. It’s not her fault that she’s basically everything I’ve ever wanted, but she’s more fun to talk to. Whatever. I still hate her.

Now, for all of you who are sitting there getting ready to type up some comment about how I’m being too petty and should love myself for who I am and as soon as I start accepting me for me and realizing how great I really am on the inside I’ll reach enlightenment and all the negative things my peers probably think of me will poof, go away, I say this: go home. For real, just skip it and take a bubble bath or something; it’ll be a way better pastime.

I know I’m being petty, I know I’m being shallow and bitchy. I’m not afraid to say that I’M UNDENIABLY JEALOUS OF GERTRUDE, AND THAT’S WHY I HATE HER.

It’s in my nature, it’s who I am. I’m a terrible person, blah, blah, blah, but I know that deep down you’ve taken one look at a girl and been like “she’s a bitch” just because her shoes are cooler than yours, of she has nicer hair, or because Joey talks to her and not you. I get it. You get it. We get each other, home-bros.

But this is for you, Gertrude:

You make me feel like shit without even looking my way. I hope you get accepted into a really exclusive boarding school for outstanding art students across the country (or maybe France?) with a full-ride scholarship, one of those schools that only a handful of students around the globe get picked to attend. I hope you make a ton of friends and that you stay in touch with your old ones, that you get married and have a happy life with three kids named Frank, Pamela, and Hansel and your actor husband whose salary barely makes a dent in yours. I hope you become really successful and live happily after attending this really rad boarding school.

Because at least then you’d be out of my life.
January 16th, 2012 at 10:27pm